Monday, 10 February 2014

I Don't Even Really Know

You know, it's funny, but I remember feeling funny when I was first spending time with Jay.

I don't think I wrote about it much here, but I do still remember these moments of feeling odd.

Certainly the first couple of days after we met and came back here, I felt completely overwhelmed and uncertain and awkward.

But the really good, awesome, fun, happy, silly times we'd had and were having between these moments of overwhelm were great.

So I'm willing to see if it's easier with Jason the next time I see him.  If I do get over how I thought he'd look v/s how he does look, and if I do let go of how easy it was with Jay and just figure out what it is I like or at least don't dislike about Jason.  Because I do keep talking to him, and I did choose to meet him, and have him stay.

Saturday night too.

A really good sleep, actually, which I don't think either of us expected.  Certainly better than my first few sleeps with Jay, or anyone else for that matter.

Not that I was in a great state Saturday night.

I'd really been happy with my time to myself but really wanted to spend more time with Jason.  I offered to go pick him up, but when I did and I saw him the whole "that's not how he's supposed to look" thing went through my head again and then he got in the car and he stank like cigarettes again and I was hating everything about it.

I told him I just needed to ignore him for a while, and I opened the sunroof to get some air and I sang along to the music and tried not to be so angry.

But I was.

Why was I spending time with an effing smoker?  I hate smokers.  Hate everything about them.  Hate how they smell and taste and this guy knows how much I hate it and he doesn't care enough to not smoke when he's going to spend time with me.

I tell him I hated tasting his cigarettes in my mouth all day and I guess he takes the not-so-subtle suggestion because we don't kiss all night.  And he doesn't go out for a cigarette Saturday night at all.

But I'm still unimpressed with both of us on this one.  Maybe me more than him as he's clearly got his addiction and that's not my fault.  My fault is allowing him to be part of my life after that first night when I learned he was a smoker.

That's my fault.  And I'm pretty pissed at myself about it.

We head to bed fairly early as I'm tired from the disturbed sleep the night before and at one point I go to curl up next to him but the cigarette smell is nauseating and I roll away and tell him he smells and I tell him how I'm feeling about everything, missing Jay and the all of it because we both feel like we'd want a relationship (be it friendship or more) that's honest and it was something I valued with my relationship with Jay.

I sleep really well Saturday night, woken a few times when he talks in his sleep a bit or when I hear something, but I also wake up and snuggle against him in my half awake state and he wraps his arm around me and kisses my shoulder and I fall back asleep.

He has to leave Sunday morning and I'm a little bummed we don't get to hang out (and how frustrating is it to want to spend time with him while being really unsure about a lot of things and actively disliking a significant thing about him) but having the day to myself to just be quiet and watch bad tv and not think is just what I need.

I nearly threw up Sunday morning.  Maybe partly the cigarettes (my dislike of them is not just emotional/mental/intellectual, it's also chemical and physical) and partly nerves and the change in routine and the what am I doing-ness of it all, but I think I only managed to not throw up because he was there and I hate throwing up in front of people.

So I had all Sunday to myself to just chill and be and that helped a lot.  Just having that time to process and not be in it.

As C-Dawg pointed out, it was a very intense weekend. 

And I'm really glad we didn't have sex.

And I told him so.  Told him that it made me feel safe and happy and comfortable because I tended to rush into things and not that we both didn't want to, but that I was really happy we didn't.


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