Saturday, 22 February 2014

The Things I Don't Often Discuss Are Sometimes The Most Important

More Leaf Shadows by foundimagination
I sometimes write a post like yesterday's post and then find myself thinking about it in the background of my thoughts over the next day, or sometimes week.  And often as these thoughts process, I come to a clearer understanding than I had before I started the post, which is part of why I let myself write when I'm feeling emotional or worried or overwhelmed.  It helps me process and find clarity sometimes.  Or at least a bit more clarity.

I don't talk about it much, but sex is a very important thing to me.

I would say that it must be important to everyone, but I understand that for some people it's not, so I'll just stick to what I know about me.

Before Jay and I became involved, certainly before we met, I did not feel safe with him sexually.  Attracted to him mentally and emotionally, sure, but that didn't mean I felt safe.

I had a lot of issues with the fact that Jay doesn't really believe in monogamy and that he was telling me that he expresses his love with his friends in a way that most of us would classify as sexual and I didn't feel ok with this.

I worried and thought about it a lot.

I talked with Vince about it a lot.

He told me to just be in the moment here and now and not worry about all the what ifs.  That Jay and I would meet and go from there.  Or not.  But I still felt so uncomfortable and didn't want to be with Jay and it occurred to me that this is how I'm feeling about Jason, that same sense of "holy %^$* I don't want this in my life."

But with Jason it's not sexual.  I trust Jason in that way.  From the start, we realized and recognized that we had a lot of similarities sexually.  And that may make it sound like we had perverted conversations on day one, but that's not what I mean.  And I guess it takes some explaining...

When Jason and I first messaged back and forth and he mentioned that he needed a strong woman, one of the things he mentioned is that as a photographer he works with models and needs a significant other in his life who isn't jealous or intimidated by this.  He went on to mention that he also sometimes shoots nudes.

This didn't phase me because I've drawn nudes myself.  It's weirdly non-sexual, so I wasn't turned off (or on) by the fact that he shoots nudes, and I was, to be honest, curious to see if his shots were any good.  (And if they were sensual, or interesting, or what.)  So when we talked on the phone that night, one of the things we talked about was shooting nudes and that lead to talk about how a girlfriend might react to that.

When I first imagined it, I figured I would be utterly jealous and intimidated by a boyfriend who was working with naked women ten gazillion times hotter and sexier and more-modelly than I am but just talking with him about it I could tell it wasn't about them, it was about getting the shot, and roll your eyes if you want, but about the art.  And I may not be a photographer by trade, but I get that, and I can understand that.

I told him, honestly, that my best guess was that as long as I knew that my man was coming home to me that night I didn't see why I would be jealous of him being with sexy models.  I may be intimidated by feeling less attractive than them, but were I in a relationship with someone who I trusted, it would be something we could figure out for sure.

Jason seemed really solid about the whole thing and so that all was good and then we just kept talking about things in that realm and somehow we talked a bit about sex (shhh, don't make me blush, I'm a grown woman, I'm allowed!) and that's how we found we had, I guess you could say, similar interests, or comfort zones maybe, I don't know, I just know that I felt comfortable with him sexually.

He's very monogamous.

And clean.

And respectful.

And believes in friendship first.  And waiting til you know someone.

But also in chemistry.

Which we both felt after that conversation.





So if I compare going into a relationship with Jay to going into a relationship with Jason, the most fundamental difference is that I felt unsafe with Jay in terms of sex, and I feel very safe with Jason.

I felt safe with Jay in terms of lifestyle (outside of sex) and I don't feel safe with Jason.  (But I also feel like I'm shooting a little bit blind here somehow.)

I think as I thought about yesterday's post, I started to ask myself what is fundamentally more important?  To me.  To be with someone with whom I feel safe on a very basic, very visceral, gut level about something that I think is a vitally important part of a long term relationship?  To be with someone I believe will treat me kindly and lovingly and for whom loyalty and monogamy are of utmost importance?  Or to be with someone who does not value me in the same way when it comes to sex and intimacy but who has nice, safe, comfortable friends and a lifestyle I know and understand.




I felt safe when Jay held me in his arms.  If I hadn't felt safe with him when we met, we would never have been intimate.  And I still feel safe when I think of Jay, and I still want to turn to Jay when I'm feeling unsafe or frightened or hurt.

Even though Jay hurt me, and so many other unsafe things I don't need to go into.

I feel safe when Jason and I are cuddling.

I feel safe when Jason tells me I'm amazing.  And beautiful.  And smart.

I feel safe when Jason tells me to "just wait, let me finish" when we're pushing each other in a conversation.  We just haven't made it out of the safe little bubble of my apartment, or talks on the phone and I don't know how things will be if we ever do make it out of this bubble.

Maybe it won't work in the real world.  Maybe we'll be a little bit like Bird and I were.  Bird and I never went out.  Never socialized.  Never met each other's friends.  Just the people we knew from the way we met.

I don't know.

But I trust Jason as a person.  Sexually.

Which to me, is very very fundamentally important.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Chris said...

but "Jason" smokes....

Saturday, February 22, 2014 11:02:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yup.

Hence a great deal of my struggling with what to do.

Saturday, February 22, 2014 11:27:00 am  
Blogger kkerin said...

I just really think you deserve so much more than either of these guys. I don't mean to be harsh and I hope it doesn't come off that way but do you think perhaps your reluctance to let go of these two is because you just can't be by yourself? You seem to have it pretty much together but these two? Not so much. You're going to meet someone with whom you feel safe, sexually, physically, emotionally. Someone you'll be proud to bring around your friends (and who proudly introduces you to his friends!). Don't sell your wonderful self short!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014 11:35:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I totally get what you're saying and thanks for your concern :)

Tuesday, February 25, 2014 6:47:00 pm  
Blogger Vents and Thoughts From a Single Girl said...

I get when people suggest you're afraid to be alone...I get told that all the time. I'm not afraid to be alone. I like my own company and to be honest, I'm pretty frigging awesome so being alone suits me fine! But, I also like to share my awesome company.
You can just like a person for their weird ways and yet still feel like these are annoying traits - I dunno if this is making sense.
But I get when people say maybe you're scared to be alone or reluctant to let you. You don't want them completely gone,as some part of them actually is pretty decent and worthwhile...

Sunday, March 02, 2014 6:36:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Totally. I don't mind being alone and am not afraid of it. But, yes, I do enjoy good company. And, yes, I always still care about the people I was with so don't like to completely shut them out when they're still decent enough. Now I feel like I'm babbling... so, yes.

Monday, March 03, 2014 4:36:00 pm  

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