Monday, 31 March 2014

It's Not A Bad Thing

Jay.  Oh Jay.

I keep going through phases where I miss him.  Physically miss him.  Miss being curled up together, arms and legs and bodies intertwined in a dozy post-sex glow on my bed.

Miss how well we clicked.  Got along.  How easy and happy and fun it was to hang out.  Touch.  Be.

Miss "us" terribly.

And then he goes and blows up my dreamscape.

Sigh.

The latest was an out of the blue text (he'd eaten a Creme egg and thought of me)  (mmmm, Creme eggs) that evolved into him whining about how the people he's met who are polyamorous are "just looking for f*&k buddies" and how he's finding this disheartening.  Part of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and roll my eyes at him and yell "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!" but I try to only do those kinds of things in my head and I try to understand that it must be hard for him to want this thing and not be able to find people who want to share it the same way he does.

But dude.  You can't even have one solid relationship with one person and you want many?  Really?  Are you kidding?  And you're surprised that some people are using it as a way to experience guilt free sex?  Commitment free sex?  Do you have any idea of the irony?  And plus, communism is a GREAT idea on paper.  Hasn't worked so well in practice.  Polyamory?  Um... yeah.

But as I try to say in all things, as long as no one's getting hurt....

Aaaaaanyway, that's the lesser of the two rants Jay handed me recently.

The other was far more mind boggling and really did a good job at eliminating a whole ton of dreamy feelings and memories I was having towards and about Jay.

He texted out of the blue a month or so ago and I hadn't heard from him in months.

He blah blah blahed about how I was doing and how he was doing (he's still in a lot of pain) and then he went on to tell me that when he was away spending time with his family he realized that my "rocky" relationship with mine was TERRIBLY difficult for him and he didn't realize it at the time but that was the major issue for him in our relationship and he's sorry he never mentioned it at the time and that I had to "suffer through" that and he hopes I'm able to find someone who's better able to handle my poor family relationships.

Um.

WTF?

Now look, I know my relationship with my family is not perfect.  Find me someone's who is.

And if you're my close friend or my significant other I will probably complain to you, in confidence, about what annoyed me at Christmas or what so and so said that drove me up the wall and you'll have to see and deal with my stress at whatever family dynamics are happening.  But dude.  My relationship with my family is good.

Decent.  Fine.  Imperfect, but nothing like some of the stories I've heard.

No one's hitting anyone.  We all speak to each other and can all be in the same room.  We all get along.  Annoy each other, sure, but seriously, that's part of human nature.  Do I overreact to things my family says or does?  Absolutely.  Do I get wrapped up in the drama of the minutia of what I think should happen and how I wish they were?  Sure.

But this is no "rocky" relationship, my naive friend.

If I'm the first person you've been with who's had a less than perfect relationship with their family then count yourself incredibly lucky.  May you never meet people who have actual rocky relationships.  May you never hold a friend who's father abused her in ways that will make you throw up.  May you never have to hold back your tears as you hear about the lady who was locked in the chicken coop as a child for 48 hours for some minor infraction.  May you never have a friend who has to deal with an alcoholic parent or a brutal divorce.  My relationship with my family is blessed.  I count myself very lucky.

On top of the anger I felt (and confusion) at his statement all I can ask is why he felt the need to tell me this?

Why contact me and tell me this?

Why did I need to know?

Have I contacted him and told him all the things that were so hard on me back when we were together?  No.

Why did he need to?

What was he thinking?

I don't know.

I just know that although I miss being with Jay and hanging out with Jay and cuddling with Jay very much, I can not put up with Jay's random explosions of self-centeredness and as much as I often think maybe we could be friends and what might that look like, I'd need him to never actually share deep thoughts with me.  Because I get so infuriated when he explains his life and how right he is.

6 Comments:

Anonymous kandijay said...

Um, WTF indeed. First of all, I know I don't actually know you, but from what you post about your family, you seem on the better side of normal. I mean, your brother felt like he could be honest with you about Jay. That's actually the sign of a pretty close relationship. Jay seems to live in some weird fantasy world. Good luck to him with that.

On a side note, isn't it great when you build something up in your mind to be better than it is, and you get a reminder of why it isn't what you fantasize? I sincerely hope you aren't bothering to respond to his crap.

Monday, March 31, 2014 8:15:00 am  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Reactions to reading this blog:

"And then he goes and blows up my dreamscape."

The imaginary relationships I have are so much better than reality.

"whining about how the people he's met who are polyamorous are "just looking for f*&k buddies" and how he's finding this disheartening."

I wonder how much of that is the polyamorous thing, and how much of its a function of Jay? I know a couple friends who are polyamorous, and they're definitely not looking for fuck buddies. I suspect that some of this might have more to do with what he's putting out there, than just being polyamorous.

But also, what does he expect??

As a side note, the friends I have who are polyamorous are working from a solid relationship with one person foundation, so maybe that's the difference.

"he realized that my "rocky" relationship with mine was TERRIBLY difficult for him and he didn't realize it at the time but that was the major issue for him in our relationship and he's sorry he never mentioned it at the time and that I had to "suffer through" that and he hopes I'm able to find someone who's better able to handle my poor family relationships."

UM WTF? What does that even mean? The major issue for him was your family relationship? Huh? That reads like after-the-fact bs rationalization and, I don't know, trying to jockey for some kind of position on the 'my family is better than your family' spectrum. It also reads very much like a "the reason we didn't work out was because of you" line of reasoning, which helps protect him from maybe dealing with the possibility that he's the problem.

And, honestly, while we're only getting your view of things, Jay's sounding like the problem.

"Because I get so infuriated when he explains his life and how right he is."

... especially when he seems to be so wrong.

Monday, March 31, 2014 10:32:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Kandi, you're right, my family and I are fine. And on a decent side of normal. Sometimes it does seem to me that Jay lives in his own worlds. And yeah, I wish him well with that.

And, no, I don't give him much in response. "ok" is the most I feel like giving. Maybe that's more than needed but oh well.

Jason :) Comment most deserving of an entire post of its own! :)

The imaginary relationships I have are so much better than reality.

Mine too. Mine too... ;)


I wonder how much of that is the polyamorous thing, and how much of its a function of Jay? I know a couple friends who are polyamorous, and they're definitely not looking for fuck buddies. I suspect that some of this might have more to do with what he's putting out there, than just being polyamorous.

I agree absolultely. I know it works for people. But you're right, it may have a lot more to do with what he's putting out than he knows. Because as you said

As a side note, the friends I have who are polyamorous are working from a solid relationship with one person foundation, so maybe that's the difference. And Jay is not. And in my experience with him, he was certainly never able to have a solid relationship foundation with us. And the times it has "worked" for him, it seems he didn't work at those relationships hard enough to make them really work either so.... yeah.


UM WTF? What does that even mean? The major issue for him was your family relationship? Huh? That reads like after-the-fact bs rationalization and, I don't know, trying to jockey for some kind of position on the 'my family is better than your family' spectrum.

Yeah... I have no idea. And yeah, that's kind of how I read it and felt about it too. Ok Jay, your family wins, I get it. *shrug*

It also reads very much like a "the reason we didn't work out was because of you" line of reasoning, which helps protect him from maybe dealing with the possibility that he's the problem. *shrug* You said it. *making that slow nod face*

And, honestly, while we're only getting your view of things, Jay's sounding like the problem. I try to remain neutral. Maybe sometimes overly so...

"Because I get so infuriated when he explains his life and how right he is."

... especially when he seems to be so wrong. Yeah...

:)

Monday, March 31, 2014 5:33:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

"absolultely" is a new word. Just so you know.

Monday, March 31, 2014 5:34:00 pm  
Anonymous kandijay said...

"The imaginary relationships I have are so much better than reality."

Word.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014 7:21:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Seriously.

Tuesday, April 01, 2014 3:43:00 pm  

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