Aaaaaand Breathe

I'm realizing something that I probably knew before, but didn't really FEEL until I started to pay attention to my relationship with Jason.

I have this feeling (want/need?) to have everything NOW.  But that's not how it works, and on top of that, it means I'm not actually getting to experience what's happening.

Like, when I'm in a new relationship (be it Jay or Jason or probably even with Vince or Smith) I'm trying to look ahead to what will / might / could happen in the future.  Will we get married?  Will it be a good marriage?  Will we split up because of this, that or the other?  Should I just split up with him now to avoid the later hurt of us splitting up?  Will we be able to afford a house together?  Or in some cases, will we be able to live in the same city as each other?  What will our future be like and can I have an answer to that now so that I can plan accordingly and make the best decisions?

Which... no.

None of these things exist.  I mean, sure, maybe we're the perfect couple and would make the best husband and wife but that doesn't mean one of us won't get hit by an anvil a la Bug's Bunny and so no wedding will happen.  So why wonder about it now?

Maybe I should try to wait about a possible marriage once we're, oh, say, you know, talking about getting engaged?

Or not.

I mean, even that makes me feel like hyperventilating and that's not the point.

The point I'm trying to make for myself is that when I spend all this time wanting (or even just thinking about) the future things I'd like to happen, I'm missing experiencing what's going on right now.

When I think about where Jason and I will be several years from now, I miss the fact that we went for a hike and took photos of the ocean.

I miss the fact that he introduced me to some of his friends and they were hilarious.

I miss feeling and knowing that he likes me.

When I spend my time being frustrated that I'm not going to see him next weekend, for example, I don't listen and hear and take it in when he says "I really want to see you tonight and spend time with you" because my brain is all WHY IS IT FAIR THAT HE'S BUSY NEXT WEEKEND WHEN I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIM NEXT WEEKEND??????

I want our relationship to be five years down the road.

But if I woke up tomorrow and we were five years down the road, that's five years of us getting to know each other and becoming better friends and dare I say it falling more for each other that I've missed out on.

But it's hard.

It's hard to trust that things will go the way they're meant to and that they way they're meant to is going to be what's best for me.  That five years down the road from today I'll be happy, healthy and well no matter what.

And that if Jason is meant to be in my life he will be, in whatever capacity he's meant to be.  It's hard to let go of that wanting to have it all now.  The wanting to know the final result now.

But I'm trying.

I'm trying and some days it's harder than others but I do want to experience my life day by day and not live in some space of wanting that doesn't actually exist.

It's like Vince used to say to me when I was worried about all the "What ifs" around Jay.  I have to let them go and just be in the moment.  Just be and enjoy what is today.

Easier said than done, but worth the effort of trying I think.