Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Jason. Jay...son?

Jason keeps messing with my mind.

Ok, well that's not a nice way to put it...

Jason keeps challenging my current world view and internal dialogues.

Yeah.  This is one of those people who come in and adjust the direction of your life-flow path.

Like you were this little stream of water going along in one direction and then someone comes along and sticks a rock or twig or digs their foot through the sand and things start to flow in this new direction that you would maybe not have gotten to yourself.

Jason keeps telling me it's all me, the change, the growth, the whatever.  I tell him at the very least he's the catalyst.

It makes me nervous that I wouldn't be able to do this without him.  Or that it wouldn't be happening for another decade without him.  Or that it would be going slower without him.  Because then I worry that if I lose him I'll lose the path of wherever it is I'm going now.

It's hard to talk about with people.  "Are you still seeing that guy?  How's it going?"

Yes.  I am.  And it's really really positive.  But challenging.  Like, we started to watch this movie the other night, and we'd already had a night filled with talking and ideas and thoughts and debate and so we started watching this movie and I knew I could just kind of half listen but I really wanted to GET it so I listened and asked to pause so something could sink in and then after maybe half an hour I asked if we could stop watching.  "It's too much," I said.  "I can't actually take any more in and have it make any sense."

Everything about being with Jason feels like that.

Where I might want to go with my life.  Who I am as a person, fundamentally.  My photography.  Writing.  How I approach being me.  Our relationship and what it means.  Or is.

It's a lot.  A lot of shifting and figuring out and changing and growing and I know he's been taking it slow with me, taking it easy, and I turned to him at one point this weekend and said "who ARE you?"

I wish he and Jay could meet.  Who knows, maybe they will.  But I feel like they're similar but opposite.  It's the weirdest thing.  They have a lot in common but in very different ways.  If that makes sense?

They're both passionate.  Angry about the state of the world.  (Although I'm not sure either of them would agree with my use of the word "angry" exactly.)  Change-makers.  Not mainstream.  Dare-devil-thrill-seekers.  They both have lots of friends in their lives.  And former girlfriends as friends.  They've both been arrested.  Been dirt poor.  Come from broken homes.  Feel like they made it out because of their friends.  Are strong.  Smart.  Renaissance men.  Computer techs.  Goofy.  Not afraid to be silly.  Call themselves geeks.  Like sex.  (There's a rumour that some men don't but I don't believe it!) Have children.  Ex-wives.  They both have crazy stories.  Might both be on government watch lists for all I know.  Are creative in some way.

There are times when I see them as different sides of the same coin but they're such different people in fundamental ways it's not fair to say they're the same coin at all.

I guess I just find it interesting when I see what I attracted into my life.  What I was drawn to maybe?

Maybe Jay was my warm-up for Jason, my way of easing me into having someone in my life who wasn't a nine-to-fiver.  Who knows?

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