Tuesday, 22 April 2014

Stuck In The Middle With Me

I'm in an interesting spot right now of wanting to talk about things because that usually helps me sort through how I'm feeling, or at least getting it out of my head helps me feel a little bit better, but I'm also wanting to not talk about said things because I feel like that's giving the negative/upset/sad too much power, or too much attention.  Does that make sense?

Like, something came up with Jason and I last weekend and I'm still trying to figure out if it's something that will change the dynamic of our "relationship" entirely or if it's something ... less.  I don't know.  And yes, I want to talk about it.  Obsessively.  I want to break it down into its core components, analyze each of them, put it back together and make a decision based on what all I learned and realized and found out.

But I don't know if that's helpful.  Or good.  Or positive.

Is it just picking at a wound rather than letting it make its own scar and heal itself?

Or is it cleaning out the wound so it will heal faster and scar less?

And does it matter?  If I'm going to get a scar of some kind anyway, that's in the future.  It's about how I want to spend my time and energy right now and do I feel like continuing to wallow in this worry or concern or do I want to pull out of it and think about something else?

I mean, my brain is constantly going back to think about it, kind of like trying to meditate and focus on your breath and then your brain starts thinking about the groceries you need and work yesterday and you have to pull yourself back to focus on your breathing, it's like that.

I WANT to think about this, just like my brain wants to pull me out of meditation.  But I also want to just NOT think about this.  Like I want to just try to focus on the meditation.

So I'm stuck, blog wise, trying to figure out if I should write and talk about it or just let it be.

And I don't know right now, clearly, so ... yeah.

(I mean, it's the same with work, there's stuff going on that I can't control but want to go a certain way and everyone wants to obsessively try to guess how it's going to play out and I just wanna forget about it.)  (But this stuff with Jason is different, because I do have control in that I could walk away.  But I suppose that's the same as saying I could quit work.)  (God, thinking rationally is hard work.)


Anonymous Chris said...

think a little less...
breathe more...

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 4:48:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

That's my major plan right now actually...

Tuesday, April 22, 2014 11:09:00 pm  

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