Thursday, 3 April 2014

Upside Down

(Oooh, did I find another way to put photos into my post?  Maybe I did?)

Physically, I am the harshest critic of myself by far.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I could probably criticize you physically pretty harshly as well.  Sorry about that.  I mean, not that I would, but I probably see it.

But the weird thing is, with other people, if I do see it, it matters less and less.  And then I stop seeing it.  Whereas for me?  I just keep seeing flaws and imperfections.

And it's frustrating.

It's frustrating because it doesn't really help anything.  It's not like I go ugh, that is icky and then go out and do whatever it takes to get rid of it, I just go ugh, that is icky, I try to fix it a little and then just sink into "oh well, I'm hideous and awful looking anyway."  Which.  No.

No.

Jason has this saintly (I think) quality of both being extremely positive about my physical appearance and firm patience with my self-criticism.

He says things that I find initially obnoxious.

"I'm really picky about the women I let into my bed.  And you're in my bed.  Think about that."  And I find it the most obnoxious thing because who is he to make this statement about how he only sleeps with hot chicks.  THAT'S SO RUDE!  WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?  DOES HE THINK HE'S SO HOT AND SO SPECIAL THAT HE ONLY GETS GOOD LOOKING CHICKS WHAT A JERK!!!

But then my brain goes... um... Victoria?

Either he's a total b-ser... or he finds you attractive.

And seeing as he works in fashion photography and is around models a .... lot... he might not be... wrong?

But then I get into this OMG I CAN'T BE VAIN AND CALL MYSELF ATTRACTIVE mode and my brain explodes and I either glare at him, laugh, or raise my eyebrows in a suspicious sort of way.

Or sometimes even a glare, eyebrow combo.  Which he just laughs at.

But yeah.  Jason's insistence that I'm an attractive woman is really messing with my self image.

But, like, in a positive way.

Which is REALLY messing with my everything.

Because if this guy's right, and I am not all the things I constantly tell myself I am (that I won't list here, but they start with wrinkles and end with cellulite) or if I have those things and they don't matter as much as I thought they did?

Well, then what?

What if I become confident?  That can be really unattractive.

Y'all, I just don't know.  It's really hard to have your fundamental self-beliefs challenged.  Even if it's in a completely positive way.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

We are not our bodies. Our bodies carry us around. If one wants to have a long, happy life with someone both people are going to physically change. I am now 57, weigh what I did at 25 (I am slender) but my hair is white (under the dye) & my smile lines curve down my cheek.
They do say that after the age of 40 people have the face they deserve, the face their character has carved ... look around at grown-ups - one can TELL which ones you would want to have a beer / coffee with ...

Anne (Cdn in England)

Thursday, April 03, 2014 11:12:00 am  
Anonymous Dominic said...

Confidence is sexy, it's arrogance that's hideous

Thursday, April 03, 2014 12:03:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Yeah, who told you confidence is unattractive? The only people who find confidence unattractive are people who prey on low-self-esteem and, in the long run, turn out to be abusers (physical, emotional or mental).

And yes, all the things you are worried about are far less important than you think they are.

Thursday, April 03, 2014 4:52:00 pm  
Anonymous AFST said...

"What if I become confident? That can be really unattractive."

I'll try not to be too redundant and repeat what ever one else has said....if you let it go to your head, yes confidence is a bad thing. But you've tempered that confidence with an awareness of that very fact-you know that too much confidence can send a person hurtling towards egotism and self-centeredness! You're humble and you see the line between confidence and self-centeredness, and know where not to toe the line.

So take what Jason said as exactly that-a reminder that you are indeed an attractive woman!

Thursday, April 03, 2014 7:21:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Anne, that is the loveliest thing I've heard in a long time. You rock! Beautiful. (And you go girl!)

Dominic, I just find it hard sometimes to know where the line is...

Good question Jason, I'm not sure where I got that...

Thanks AFST :)

Friday, April 04, 2014 2:19:00 am  

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