Wednesday, 7 May 2014

You Really Don't Need To Read This One. ("Ewww" Alert.)


I seriously haven't wanted to share this story, but I've also totally wanted to share this story so I'm just going to suck it up, tell you the story and then pretend I never told you this story!  Ok?  Okay!

Sooooo, back in December, I had the pneumonia or whatever and I coughed a lot (and felt like I was dead, but that's another story) and at a certain point I coughed and then I thought "hmm, is that what my friends who've had babies feel when they jokingly (?) say they peed a little?" and I realized that even though I haven't had a baby, I was also not wanting to, you know, deal with... a ... uh... loose bladder (?) situation and maybe I should look into exercising my lady... bits.

Now my Mom has had children (duh) and told me that all through her thirties and forties (and beyond, I have no idea?) she would do kegels at red lights in the car.  (Kegels, by the way, are a particular exercise that women, and men! (seriously) can do to strengthen the muscles of the pelvic floor...)  I've tried this, but honestly, I forget more often than not so it's not a particularly rigorous training regimen.

Enter... kegel exercise balls!  (Please hear a TA DA triumphant sound in your heads now, thanks.)

The theory of these balls (and, no, that's not one in the picture there, I just wanted a picture of some kind of ball and that one sort of works because, well... blue balls?  Am I twelve maturity wise?  Yes, yes I am!) is that they go up inside the lady... area and the muscles work to keep the balls in and therefore you're doing the exercise without having to remember to do the exercise.

That make sense?

I did some research and while there was a style that came with a "holder" that also had a string attached to help with withdrawal (getting the suckers out), it was suggested that the string could never be completely sterilized and so they string versions weren't as highly recommended.

But there was also a fair amount of talk about people who... well, the balls sort of got "stuck" up in there for lack of a better term.

Now, the balls can't actually get stuck anywhere, they can't go into anywhere (I don't feel like getting too nursing school here) but if things down there are feeling particularly grippy... they might not be liable to just slip out.  That make sense?

I actually talked to Jason about it... which shows you the level of trust (and amusement) we have in our relationship.  "But what if they get stuck up in there?" I whimpered, staring at them once they arrived.

"They won't."

"But what if they do?  The internet said they might!  What if I can't get them to come out?"

"Well then drive over here and I'll fish them out for you!"

"EWWWWW!  *giggle*  *blush*"

So first time round... guess what happened?

Yeah... the little buggers didn't feel like coming out.

I didn't drive over to Jason's but I did call him in a bit of a panic.

"They're stuck!  And I can't reach them!  And I don't know what to do!"

"Relax" he said.

Yeah, right.  You stick something up your ying yang and try to relax!

Now I'm not someone who's particularly friendly with my lady parts and I'm not one of those ladies who uses those tampons without applicators so trying to fish them out was pretty awkward for me in general.

Add to that that the things are round and slippery and my fingers are not as long as I would have wished and, well, let's just say it was frustrating.

I did try to relax, watched a movie, that kind of thing and after a great deal of effort, I squat-cough-push-pulled them out (sorry for the visual on that my friends.)

I guess I felt a sense of triumph at having gotten them out (what felt like finally) and it was a while before I thought maybe I would give them another try.

I'm not honestly sure why I thought I'd give them another try, except that it seemed like the thing to do at the time, so when a friend asked me if I'd like to go for a walk on a sunny Sunday a few weeks later I popped in the balls and said sure.

I figured that since they'd been near impossible to get out the last time (certainly not easy) that I'd be able to go for the walk, get the "extra" exercise happening and then relax enough by the end of the day to get them out.

Imagine my surprise, however, when I started down the street with my friend and felt a ball slowly making its way down towards ... freedom!

I had no idea what to do.

I tried focussing on tightening the muscles in question but it appeared it was too late.  Before we'd gone a block, gravity had had its way and my panties were the only thing keeping a little silver ball from rolling down my pant leg and away down the sidewalk.

I waddled like a penguin.

Thankfully my (male, gah!) friend wanted to stop at Starbucks so I excused myself and fished the offending ball out of my panties.

I tried to see if the other one was going to try to escape too but it was out of reach (ewwww, I know) so I figured I was safe for the rest of the walk.

Except... then I probably wouldn't be writing this post, would I?

You got it... as we neared Victoria's beautiful Dallas Road public walk, I felt the second ball inching its way towards escape.

And... sadly... soon enough, I was once again feeling like I needed to waddle.

Except this time... no Starbucks in sight.  No public washroom available.  Plus, I'd just gone "pee" five minutes ago.


It was hard to focus on whatever it was we were talking about when all I wanted to do was make sure I wasn't laying a silver egg on the sidewalk and then having to explain that to my friend.

So when the opportunity presented itself (thank God this friend is a smoker and stopped at a bench to light his cigarette) I glanced around, and (I hope) subtly fished the second ball out of its panty holding spot.

My friends... I don't know what lesson to tell you other than if you're going to wear kegel exercise balls, it's probably not an awesome idea to wear them in public.

And even if they feel like they're firmly in place and you got them "stuck" there that one time?

Means little.

I don't know what to tell you.  I'd hang my head in shame if it wasn't so damn funny.

Maybe getting the ones with the string is my next step, eh?

Yeah, and now we can pretend this never happened.  Yay!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! Glad to hear these things happen to other people too!!
FYI: I have a set of kegal weights that are silicone and have a silicone pull string which can be cleaned so no string issues!!

Wednesday, May 07, 2014 9:07:00 am  
Anonymous AFST said...

BREAKING NEWS: Local British Columbian woman lays silver egg in public park; claims "egg" is actually exercise device.

-But seriously. Those visuals o.O

Wednesday, May 07, 2014 10:47:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I read about those anon! Silicone string sounds good to me! ;)

OOooh, silver egg a la goose that lays a golden egg? (wait.. what?) lol

Wednesday, May 07, 2014 11:44:00 pm  
Blogger Dominic said...

Just a thought, but couldn't you put them in a condom if you want to be sure of getting them back out...?

TBH, the whole idea sounds to me (like a lot of exercise equipment) more like a moneymaking exercise than useful equipment.. are you sure you wouldn't be better off with the vibrating sort? ;)

Thursday, May 08, 2014 2:24:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Dominic, I just fell over laughing at your condom idea. And then I went ewwwwwww, because that's the correct response to hearing the word "condom" ;)

Oh, and there are vibrating sorts?

Thursday, May 08, 2014 6:52:00 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They have ones with little beads on the inside of them so when you move the inner beads move around and make the outer beads feel like they vibrate.

My wife uses them. And likes them. They are more of a work out because, well, umm...they tend to be a bit more exciting for the wearer...and you know what that causes. More muscle control required when slippery.

Friday, May 09, 2014 8:16:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Ok, well I'm just going to be over here blushing now ;)

Friday, May 09, 2014 4:50:00 pm  

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