Tuesday, 6 May 2014


To be honest, I'm still hurt that Jay deleted my number.

No matter the possible accidental reasons, I know better.  And I also know that if he has a need to contact me, my number will be in some place or other and he'll reach out... oh so magically.

My guess is I might hear from him nearer to Burning Man... although I'm not sure he's going this year.  Which also strikes me as odd.

But I think what makes me feel sad about it is that it means that he's not a person of his word.

He told me, early on, and then again and again in our relationship that he is still in love with all of his exes.  And that, more importantly, he is still friends with all of his exes.

I didn't question his statement at the time, but I think I must have taken some solace from the fact that even if we split up, we'd still hover around the edges of each others' lives.  I think I thought that would be nice.  You know, to have a friend in my life that I shared a lot with.  Maybe even just to reminisce with... do you remember the time...?

I guess I also thought it meant he was more evolved somehow.  More evolved than I am, certainly, since I tend to let go of a relationship and let the ex go with it.

Vince being a... weird exception.  (That somehow doesn't count as we didn't speak for more than a decade.)

So now that he's chosen to disengage from me I feel sad.  Sad that he isn't friends with all his exes.  He's not friends with me.  He chose that.  And I guess I feel sad that all the awesome that was the two of us together is worth less to him than whatever hurt ego-ness he's gone through to delete my number.

I just... I don't know.  Maybe I'm harping on it because I can.  I just thought things would be different.  And that we'd have some sort of slightly odd friendship for the rest of our lives.

Like I know he has with some of his ex girlfriends.

Maybe my not being on facebook means he can't have an "easy" ex-relationship with me?

(No, really, I'm actually not on facebook.)

Anyway, babble babble... I'm just saying it makes me sad and I feel disappointed in him and who he said he was.

And I'm trying not to turn that feeling into a broad brush stroke of "well, maybe no one sticks to their word..." but it does make me feel like maybe people don't mean what they say... that maybe no one is as good as their words.  And that's a sad thing to feel.  Or wonder.  It's lonely.

Just... venting, really.  Sorry.


Anonymous kandijay said...

:( *hugs*

Tuesday, May 06, 2014 2:49:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks. Muchly needed.

Tuesday, May 06, 2014 6:02:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

V! First off, how awesome that you have managed not to be assimilated into the Facebook collective.

Having been assimilated myself, I frequently see posts of the like "have new phone, lost all contacts, please text me your info."

From what I've read about him, and I am the last person ever to defend Jay (next to your brother!), losing your info seems like it would be more of a passive event than an intentional one.

Big hugs from your long lost cyberbuddy. ♥

Thursday, May 08, 2014 3:12:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yvonne!!!!! Hi!!!!!! *tackles you in a hug* ;)

Yeah, could be passive I suppose... oh well... guess I'll only ever know if I talk to him again some day.

Thursday, May 08, 2014 6:53:00 pm  

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