So, happy Summer (or Winter for you Southerners) and yeah, all that. I had a massive smack in the psyche on Friday and while I don't know how much of it I want to share, ie. the nitty gritty, I will say that I want to share.
When Jason and I are both in a bad place for whatever reason (usually stress related, duh) it doesn't go well for me. He was in a really bad space on Friday and I was struggling with my own things.
Long story short I got myself out of my house and my head by hanging out with friends and talking things through with them and, again, long story short, I found myself mid-Friday evening running smack dab into a pretty intense realization.
I probably spent the better part of an hour crying and swearing because I was angry at myself for... well, for being in this spot. Because I hadn't realized I was in this spot until that moment and it was like, awww shit... Damn.
We all have our issues. Our baggage, our things we need to work on, or should work on and I know I'm not great at being healthy or in a healthy long term relationship. Something about Jason seems to give me the opportunity to be more clear about things. Or maybe it's just being older and wiser and growing, it doesn't matter, I just know things clicked for me and I'm aware and I need to do what I can to make the positive changes happen.
But it's hard because it's so ingrained into who I am and how I work and when I get into this spot it drives me because it's a panicked feeling and I need it to happen.
I know, I know, I'm not making sense but what, am I supposed to just blurt out, Hey, guys, I was reminded that I have issues with "X"?
Blah. I typed it out and erased it again because I don't want to say it just out loud like that. But here... let me write out some of the traits that I struggle with:
Low self-esteem. I'm so working on this you guys, but when Jason's in a bad space it all comes hurtling out at me that I'm not likable, that I don't accept myself, that I'm inadequate, not enough, and that I worry what people think of me. It's hard for me and must be frustrating for Jason because he says nothing but positive things about me. Tons of people do. I just can't figure out how to take what everyone says about me and really really really really actually believe it. I don't know how, but I'm reading about ways to change how I think and I want to get there. And I know I'm better than I was, and it's not getting worse. It just springs up at bad times.
Perfectionism. Again, working on it. Ironic that if you're trying to "fight" perfectionism, you want to be perfect at it, no? Yeah... kinda.
Reactivity. Oh my gosh, am I ever reactive. Jason and I had some snippy words via text (never a good idea) and I went through several moments of panic and not knowing what to do. I reminded myself to breathe and felt better in a few minutes but man, in that moment of reaction? Freaky. I've gotten myself into problems with this before, with family stuff and work stuff because something happens and I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW AND THEY ARE BIG FEELINGS! I'm teaching myself to breathe and pause before reacting. That email doesn't have to be answered right now Victoria, it can wait...
Dependency. Afraid of being out of a relationship. Relying too much on others opinions. Two things I know I have struggles with. You probably see it here as this is my space to vent and worry and babble, but that fear of being out of a relationship sometimes keeps me in situations longer than I should be. But I am aware of it, for sure. And that's important. As for the other, I think it joins with low self-esteem and I'm not sure how to get through it. I want people to like me, tell me I'm good. But then I don't believe them anyway, so it's frustrating and feels dumb.
Denial. Of my feelings (I "like" to stuff them away and hide them so I don't have to feel them) and of my needs. (I'm getting better with expressing my needs though)
Caretaking. I think I talked about how it was a relief to not feel like I had to caretake when I travelled down to Burning Man because I didn't know them and so wasn't invested in how they felt about me or if they liked me... it was interesting and enlightening.
Control. Controlling my feelings (see above). Wanting to tell other people what to do (controlling them even though it doesn't feel like it.) And people pleasing, which, according to the readings, and this hurts to say, is a way of trying to manipulate people into feeling how you want them to feel or behave. That hurt a lot to read. A lot. Because I want to please people so that they're happy and so that they're like me. But, I guess that's not all that healthy. Makes me sad that it's not.
Addiction to a substance or process. I think I've been lucky to have avoided substance addictions. But I'm still working hard with my "addiction" to sugar and "treats" and I think I have an addiction to technology... my phone, the internet, I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I think I may tell a few people that my phone is not always going to be near me for the next while (C-Dawg texts me the most and gets worried when I'm text silent for a while...I'll have to warn her) I know when I check this, that or the other on my phone or computer, or watch a show or zone out on my computer it's taking me away from really living and is me being lazy and it feels like sometimes I fry my brain so I want to work on that.
Painful emotions. Shame, anxiety, fear, guilt, depression. All things that have had a hold on me at some point. Anxiety and fear showing up the most these days. But yeah.
So there are more traits but these are the ones I can honestly recognize in myself and have been working on since I first started working on myself.
The key, so they say, to overcoming all this, is "to relax and build a loving relationship with yourself." So that's the plan Meditation is highly recommended, so I'm already doing well there (YAY ME!) Some of the other things I am going to be trying to actively work on is turning the focus onto myself (this sounds and feels selfish, but isn't, under the circumstances.) As much as I want to help the people I love, it's their job to do so and I have to try to let go of this need I have to help. Hard. And there are a ton of ways to do this that I'm going to try to get better at. Like, seeing all the positive I do and writing it down. Stop worrying (or at least... you know, slow it down). And, weirdly enough, reach out for help when I feel bad. It sounds weird, but apparently I should be asking for help.
So, yeah. Lots. There's a ton more and I know I'm skirting around most of it and even what it is I'm talking about but at least I'm talking about it, rather than denying it's true for me.
I know some of these things have come up for me again and again and in other relationships too, so I may as well do what I can to start learning how to heal this and to cope better and whatever else... what was it, learn to have a loving relationship with myself.
I want to be healthier. Happier. To be better able to weather the bad times without it triggering all my not so awesome parts.
Friday wasn't fun, but I think it gave me some strength and I know where my focus needs to be.
5 comments:
Having followed your blog for a while now (oh god, has it really been years?), I have to say that you've shown a great deal of strength and awareness, particularly since the Jay stuff. And whatever happens with the Jason thing, this relationship you've had with him has seemed to be a positive one in how it's enabled you to confront and deal with some of these concerns.
You're doing good, I guess is what I want to say. At least, based on what you manage to share with us.
And for what its worth, the personality that comes through on this blog, flawed as it sometimes seems, is very much someone who I (and I'm sure others) would want to spend time with.
First of all--what Jason said.
The following poem has been strangely comforting to me whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed by all the things that I feel need fixing in myself. I don't stop thinking about the things I would like to change but it gives me space to breath.
She let go
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
--Safire Rose
Thank you Jason. And, yes, I agree.. I'm feeling stronger and feel like however I got to this place, I'm learning right now and it's good, just hard. So thank you. And thank you for the compliment, I'm going to take it and hold it close :)
Thanks for sharing HD, a lovely poem for sure
I just want to say thankyou for taking us on the journey with you :)
Well, I never really looked at it that way Jonathan, so... thanks, and...you're welcome? :)
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