Tuesday, 10 June 2014

I Would Title This Post "Hard", But That'd Just Make Some Of Us Giggle Inappropriately!

One of the things that has been difficult for me in terms of things with Jason (and no, it's not what made last weekend so bad) is that we have different needs and wants in terms of touch.

Without getting too personal or gory, I'm a touchy feely person.  I like and want and need to be touched by my significant other all the time.  Good, bad, or ugly.  Unless I'm horribly nauseated?  Touch is welcome.

A hug.  Naked skin on naked skin.  Kisses.  Cuddles.  Intimacy of a biblical level, all of it.  It's all good.

And speaking of the biblical stuff, I'm always good for having intimacy.  Sometimes I'm, uh, more than good, but even if for some odd reason it's not on my mind, it will be once we get into bed.

Jason is the first guy I've been with who doesn't either also work this way or work with it.  When he's stressed, he's not in the mood.  Has too much going on in his mind.  Which I understand, but a couple of times I've stayed over (and to me, this means there will be intimacy) and he's not wanted to touch at all.  One night in particular he was so upset and stressed about things he wouldn't even let me hug him once we got into bed.

I couldn't handle this.  Not being able to even touch someone?  Hug them?  Nothing?  Nevermind my own needs, wants and desires?

I slept in his guest bed rather than drive home. 

It was bad.

We talked about it and he explained that he's always been like that.

I explained that I was hearing what he was saying, and that on the flip side, I was the opposite.  I wanted and NEEDED that physical closeness to survive.  I also explained that I'd never come across this in a partner before.  Granted, I have not slept with that many people, and perhaps my times in long distance relationships have changed the "we're in the same space so we have to use this time wisely and get naked" dynamic, but this was still foreign and upsetting to me.

I thought about it a lot and decided that no.  This wasn't something I could compromise on.

That I could live with less in the sex aspect of things, but that when I was spending a night with him I needed there to be skin on skin contact, even if it was just some cuddles before we fell asleep.

It's been hard for me.  That was a really rough patch and I thought it might just be the end of things.  If you ask Jason, he's fairly sure I actually broke things off when it came up and maybe I did but I figured it was worth working through if possible.

And it's been ok.  Do we have times of biblical intimacy as much as I would have expected?  Hell no.  But has there been another night of "do not touch me at all Victoria, seriously, not at all"?  No.  Maybe there will be at some point, but we've talked about how we'll handle this and changed expectations and communication.

I'm struggling with feeling less sexually attractive, but Jason assures me that's not it at all.  I guess he's just wired differently from other people and that's unfortunate for me who is wired pretty much opposite from him.

Time will tell, I suppose, and I've adjusted and perhaps Jason has too since we fell asleep all cuddled up the other night and that hadn't happened in a while.  I just guess I'm saying that it seems like he's trying.

I mean, he'll never be me.  (I don't think anyway, but who knows.)  But he does seem to be making an effort.

One of the hard things was that mental comparison, which is so unfair to both of us, of Jason and Jay.  Because Jay and I were pretty perfectly compatible in terms of touch.  He wasn't a fan of it around his or my friends but when we were alone together, we were most likely cuddling and once in bed?  Biblical intimacy.  Always.  Except for one time I remember that we were just both exhausted and fell asleep.

But that only made things worse, because I'd sit and think about how I wanted a hybrid of Jason and Jay and that just made me feel weird and sad and sigh.

This is the first time I'm having to deal with this situation/issue/problem/concern.  I'm with someone who doesn't need (or want?) to be as intimate as I do and it's really really hard for me.

I hope we can adjust and figure it out, but there's been a lot of hard times for me and I feel like I missed out on some magical honeymoon phase I was supposed to get.

Shrug. 

Just has been a bit of a shock and disappointment, a massive difference from what I know and expect and am used to.

And let me just end with this.  I'm not talking about a need for a magical sex show that ends up with blissful orgasms.  Just... touch.  Connection.  Physical intimacy.

(And if there is a magical sex show with blissful orgasms to boot?  Perfect.)

Some would say quality over quantity and that's a very true point and I've no complaints there (ahem) but I say why not quality AND quantity?  What's wrong with both?

6 Comments:

Blogger Sabrina Marie said...

There's got to be a give and take in terms of many things in relationships. Sounds as tho your primary love language is touch, and touch is low for him. I highly recommend that book.. changed my whole approach to expressing and receiving love.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 9:45:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 10:32:00 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could point out to him that an intimate encounter is great for relieving stress ... if only briefly ... distracts a person and all that.

Cdn Anne in England

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 9:49:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Will do Anne! ;)

We also talked today about the fact that I need to ask for what I want/need rather than always assuming he can't/won't want to. :)

Tuesday, June 10, 2014 9:51:00 pm  
Anonymous RandomStranger said...

Somehow I feel like you just don't seem happy in this relationship. I hope you are not in it simply because it seems better than to be alone :( Don't settle.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 2:40:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks, I've got my eye on that for sure. I also tend to talk about the tough things here, sort of to vent, if that makes sense ;)

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 5:53:00 pm  

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