Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Faith In Self

Jason and I have lots of conversations; talk about lots of things.

A conversation that stuck with me is one we had about how I don't feel like I trust myself (whatever the context was of that conversation, I forget) and I don't feel like I'm good at things or something like that.

Jason kept suggesting that I was being too hard on myself and I kept stubbornly suggesting that no, I didn't believe in myself.

There was a pause, as Jason formulated his thoughts and then he said "you know... you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man if you didn't have faith in yourself."

I said "huh?" and asked him to repeat his statement.

"You had faith in yourself, or you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man.  You had faith you could do it."

No, I argued, that's not true.  I didn't have faith in myself at all.  I researched, I learned, I packed carefully, I told myself I had a way out if I needed it, but I did not have faith I could do it.

"But... that's exactly what I mean.  You went.  You would not have left your front door if you didn't, somewhere inside you, have faith that you could do it."

And I guess after a while, what he said kind of sunk in.  Would I climb Mount Everest or run an ultra marathon several days long?  No.  (Mainly because I don't want to.) I do not believe I could do these things, physically.  Do not have faith I could survive them (although... I suppose I could train enough and get much fitter and do them eventually...) so I guess I did what it took to figure out what I needed to have the belief that I could go, and it would be ok.

I'd just never quite looked at it that way before.  I'd only ever looked at it as "I'm scared to go" (before I went) and "I'm so happy I went!" (after I came home.)  I never looked at it as "cool, I went and I did it and I made it awesome!"

So maybe although there's a part of me that says Oh, woe is me I shall never be happily married blah blah blah, there must be a bigger part of me that has faith in myself or else I would probably not keep trying to date and trying to make my relationships work.

Go figure.

One of the other conversations I had almost as a followup to this one was the fact that I went into Burning Man with no expectations (except I did want to have naughty time with Jay) and because I had no expectations it was wonderful.  Nothing disappointed me and everything filled me with delight!  (Except for the heat.  That did not delight me!)

Why was I able to do that with Burning Man and yet I go into my romantic relationships with expectations.  And, keeping that in mind... am I able to try to be in this relationship with Jason without having expectations of where I want it to go in the future?  Or of how I want it to be?  It's hard.

But if I can think of it in terms of Burning Man and having no expectations there?  It may just be worth the effort, you know?

2 Comments:

Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Faith and Hope get us through a lot. I suspect you had expectations for Burning Man, but they were high-level (I will have fun, I will experience new things, I will have naughty time) and not very specific. This let you take in things, and if the micro-level elements weren't up to snuff, they still fit into the macro-level expectations.

With relationships, you might be setting a lot of micro-level expectations and as a result you end up very dissatisfied on the macro-level. It's not a bad thing to have expectations in a relationship, after all (I would like to be treated with respect. I would like to spend time with my partner. I would like them not to sleep with dozens and dozens of people other than me.) But maybe the expectations should be at that high-level, so that you can instead enjoy and experience things at the micro-level without the stress of having to compare them to some detailed internal checklist?

I don't know if that made sense or not. Maybe the saying "don't lose sight of the forest for the trees" would be a simpler way to put it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 11:33:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

You're a super genius! That totally made sense!!!! Just what I needed to hear :D

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 5:52:00 pm  

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