A conversation that stuck with me is one we had about how I don't feel like I trust myself (whatever the context was of that conversation, I forget) and I don't feel like I'm good at things or something like that.
Jason kept suggesting that I was being too hard on myself and I kept stubbornly suggesting that no, I didn't believe in myself.
There was a pause, as Jason formulated his thoughts and then he said "you know... you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man if you didn't have faith in yourself."
I said "huh?" and asked him to repeat his statement.
"You had faith in yourself, or you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man. You had faith you could do it."
No, I argued, that's not true. I didn't have faith in myself at all. I researched, I learned, I packed carefully, I told myself I had a way out if I needed it, but I did not have faith I could do it.
"But... that's exactly what I mean. You went. You would not have left your front door if you didn't, somewhere inside you, have faith that you could do it."
And I guess after a while, what he said kind of sunk in. Would I climb Mount Everest or run an ultra marathon several days long? No. (Mainly because I don't want to.) I do not believe I could do these things, physically. Do not have faith I could survive them (although... I suppose I could train enough and get much fitter and do them eventually...) so I guess I did what it took to figure out what I needed to have the belief that I could go, and it would be ok.
I'd just never quite looked at it that way before. I'd only ever looked at it as "I'm scared to go" (before I went) and "I'm so happy I went!" (after I came home.) I never looked at it as "cool, I went and I did it and I made it awesome!"
So maybe although there's a part of me that says Oh, woe is me I shall never be happily married blah blah blah, there must be a bigger part of me that has faith in myself or else I would probably not keep trying to date and trying to make my relationships work.
Go figure.
One of the other conversations I had almost as a followup to this one was the fact that I went into Burning Man with no expectations (except I did want to have naughty time with Jay) and because I had no expectations it was wonderful. Nothing disappointed me and everything filled me with delight! (Except for the heat. That did not delight me!)
Why was I able to do that with Burning Man and yet I go into my romantic relationships with expectations. And, keeping that in mind... am I able to try to be in this relationship with Jason without having expectations of where I want it to go in the future? Or of how I want it to be? It's hard.
But if I can think of it in terms of Burning Man and having no expectations there? It may just be worth the effort, you know?
2 comments:
Faith and Hope get us through a lot. I suspect you had expectations for Burning Man, but they were high-level (I will have fun, I will experience new things, I will have naughty time) and not very specific. This let you take in things, and if the micro-level elements weren't up to snuff, they still fit into the macro-level expectations.
With relationships, you might be setting a lot of micro-level expectations and as a result you end up very dissatisfied on the macro-level. It's not a bad thing to have expectations in a relationship, after all (I would like to be treated with respect. I would like to spend time with my partner. I would like them not to sleep with dozens and dozens of people other than me.) But maybe the expectations should be at that high-level, so that you can instead enjoy and experience things at the micro-level without the stress of having to compare them to some detailed internal checklist?
I don't know if that made sense or not. Maybe the saying "don't lose sight of the forest for the trees" would be a simpler way to put it.
You're a super genius! That totally made sense!!!! Just what I needed to hear :D
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