Wednesday, 11 June 2014

Faith In Self

Jason and I have lots of conversations; talk about lots of things.

A conversation that stuck with me is one we had about how I don't feel like I trust myself (whatever the context was of that conversation, I forget) and I don't feel like I'm good at things or something like that.

Jason kept suggesting that I was being too hard on myself and I kept stubbornly suggesting that no, I didn't believe in myself.

There was a pause, as Jason formulated his thoughts and then he said "you know... you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man if you didn't have faith in yourself."

I said "huh?" and asked him to repeat his statement.

"You had faith in yourself, or you wouldn't have gone to Burning Man.  You had faith you could do it."

No, I argued, that's not true.  I didn't have faith in myself at all.  I researched, I learned, I packed carefully, I told myself I had a way out if I needed it, but I did not have faith I could do it.

"But... that's exactly what I mean.  You went.  You would not have left your front door if you didn't, somewhere inside you, have faith that you could do it."

And I guess after a while, what he said kind of sunk in.  Would I climb Mount Everest or run an ultra marathon several days long?  No.  (Mainly because I don't want to.) I do not believe I could do these things, physically.  Do not have faith I could survive them (although... I suppose I could train enough and get much fitter and do them eventually...) so I guess I did what it took to figure out what I needed to have the belief that I could go, and it would be ok.

I'd just never quite looked at it that way before.  I'd only ever looked at it as "I'm scared to go" (before I went) and "I'm so happy I went!" (after I came home.)  I never looked at it as "cool, I went and I did it and I made it awesome!"

So maybe although there's a part of me that says Oh, woe is me I shall never be happily married blah blah blah, there must be a bigger part of me that has faith in myself or else I would probably not keep trying to date and trying to make my relationships work.

Go figure.

One of the other conversations I had almost as a followup to this one was the fact that I went into Burning Man with no expectations (except I did want to have naughty time with Jay) and because I had no expectations it was wonderful.  Nothing disappointed me and everything filled me with delight!  (Except for the heat.  That did not delight me!)

Why was I able to do that with Burning Man and yet I go into my romantic relationships with expectations.  And, keeping that in mind... am I able to try to be in this relationship with Jason without having expectations of where I want it to go in the future?  Or of how I want it to be?  It's hard.

But if I can think of it in terms of Burning Man and having no expectations there?  It may just be worth the effort, you know?


Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Faith and Hope get us through a lot. I suspect you had expectations for Burning Man, but they were high-level (I will have fun, I will experience new things, I will have naughty time) and not very specific. This let you take in things, and if the micro-level elements weren't up to snuff, they still fit into the macro-level expectations.

With relationships, you might be setting a lot of micro-level expectations and as a result you end up very dissatisfied on the macro-level. It's not a bad thing to have expectations in a relationship, after all (I would like to be treated with respect. I would like to spend time with my partner. I would like them not to sleep with dozens and dozens of people other than me.) But maybe the expectations should be at that high-level, so that you can instead enjoy and experience things at the micro-level without the stress of having to compare them to some detailed internal checklist?

I don't know if that made sense or not. Maybe the saying "don't lose sight of the forest for the trees" would be a simpler way to put it.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 11:33:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

You're a super genius! That totally made sense!!!! Just what I needed to hear :D

Wednesday, June 11, 2014 5:52:00 pm  

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