Monday, 13 October 2014

An "itis"

I'm having a little bit of "I didn't do enough" itis.

I remember getting home from Burning Man and telling Jason that I was not going to go again next year unless I had at least one of my people going with me.  That it wasn't worth it for me to go alone, or almost alone, as it felt for me with Connor.  I then said that he should ask me that again in eleven months because I figured once I got closer to next Burning Man I'd probably just want to go no matter what.

I've been home a while now.  More than a month, and I think looking over my notes and journals, especially the grumpy days I just finished writing about made me sad.  Sad because looking back and seeing I was unhappy... that I went to bed at nine... it's easy to think that I should have done something differently.

That I should have "forced" myself to stay up.  To go explore.  That I should have done more for the entire burn.  Seen more, met more people, just... more.  I'm sitting here feeling like I want to be mad at myself for not doing enough and that's not fair.

It's not fair at all.  I did exactly what I needed to do this burn, and exactly what I was capable of doing.  I wanted a quiet burn.  I wanted a calm and easy burn and I got that.

There will ALWAYS be more I could have seen or done at every single Burning Man I go to. Always.  It's the nature of the massive scale of it all.  You can't get to even a tenth of what's there.

I don't want to let my unhappy thoughts grab hold of this one, but I'd be being dishonest if I didn't mention how I was feeling.

Part of me hears me re-telling about the not so happy moments and wants to go back and have them not happen.

But life's not like that.  Not even at Burning Man.

PS  Happy Thanksgiving my fellow Canadians, I'm thankful for lots, and especially for holiday days off!


Elliott said...

Taking things as they come and regretting not doing something is life. You can't change that.

If you hadn't listened to your body and gone to sleep early the first night, you may have been so worn that you slept away a different afternoon and would have missed out on what you did then. Then you would you have missed something different. You can't do everything. Being grumpy is an emotion everyone has to deal with. Even though you felt grumpy, you were still participating and still taking in the environment.

You can't live your life second guessing everything you do. It will drive you to drink...and then you really miss out on things. Try and live in the moment and take life one experience at a time.

Victoria said...

I know... I think going to bed early kept me from being even grumpier and probably from getting sick. It's all good really, just wanted to acknowledge that sometimes I feel like I missed out, and that that's not true but also ok...

Jonathan said...

I have the same feeling about my 20s. I look back, and wonder if I missed out because I didn't do the whole clubbing/bars/relationships thing.

p.s. I mentioned you in a post today :)

Victoria said...

Jonathan I wonder that too...about my 20s. It's a very strange feeling.

P.S. Oh? :)

Jason Langlois said...

I have to say, I'm thankful for your blog.

Victoria said...

Aww, thank you Jason :)