Monday, 22 December 2014

Haze

So it's funny.  I was pretty sure I hadn't told you that Jason broke up with me way back in September.

I think I figured I hadn't mentioned it because I kind of didn't want to mention it to anyone.  Sort of half told some people sort of but not really.  Sort of half mumbled about it in some of my "other" writing and, well, I somehow figured I'd just skipped over it entirely here.

But I've also been half talking / not talking about it too and then yesterday I just finally went back and looked at September and, well, yeah, apparently I did tell you.

Go figure.

Jason and I had a really long unplanned talk Saturday night and I have no actual idea what any of it meant.  One of the most upsetting parts of it for me was when he mentioned that his photography assistant kept asking him if we'd split up so he finally told her we had.

This really really upset me.  I yelled a lot, I have no idea what, but there were swear words and middle fingers involved and slamming of doors (although honestly that was really due more to the fact that my bedroom door slams when the window's open and it's windy but I certainly didn't stop it from slamming.)  And then once I'd sort of calmed down I couldn't stop shaking... it was shocking to my system... I felt totally embarrassed.  I'd asked Jason not to tell anyone we'd split.  I didn't want to feel... dumb.  I don't know if I can even explain it.  I just knew that we'd still be hanging out and that I'd be supporting him (whatever that was going to mean) and I didn't want people to think I was dumb hanging out with a guy who'd dumped me so I asked him not to tell.

And so to know that he did... it killed me.

I feel like now she knows I'm dumb and a loser and all these horrible things about being desperate enough to "stay" with a guy who doesn't want to be with me and all these things that I can't even explain.  It just... not good.

Jason had had a couple of drinks (I wasn't drinking, he wanted to relax after a long week) and so he didn't have the capability to talk me through or really understand what I was saying but he asked me, what did I think she thought was going on?  And, now, in the light of day, I don't really know, I guess I just feel like no one looks up to a girl who sticks around waiting for a guy to take her back and I felt like now I was exposed somehow as doing that.

We have a lot of things that sort of half came up in our long talk and I don't know what half of them are, but I don't know how I feel about anything right now because did I really think we were still sort of together?  Yes.  Did he?  I... guess not?  I don't know.  He's always been "we're friends" blah blah blah and I...

I don't know right now.

It was just not a fun night and I don't know when we'll find time to sit down and calmly (soberly?) talk things through a little bit more.

And I certainly don't know if I can ever see his assistant person again.  I don't know you guys.  I really... this has always been a weird one...

Please excuse this post.  I have no idea what I just typed.

5 Comments:

Blogger Mom of 3 said...

I certainly wouldn't worry about what his assistant thought about me. That would be the least of my worries, I guess, but not caring what anyone thinks has been something that has taken me many years to arrive at.

And I wouldn't assume that she thinks you're a loser either. I think it's pretty admirable to try and be friends than to exit each other's lives completely. It sure takes maturity.

Monday, December 22, 2014 8:33:00 am  
Anonymous Elliott said...

I think it's admirable of you that you still talk to him and support him. In my books that makes you a very caring human being and the furthest thing from a loser possible.

Try not to care what his assistant thinks. If you believe you are doing the right thing for you, that's all that matters.

Personally, I'm not sure I'd be able to do what you're doing supporting him as you are...but that's a deeply personal decision and it has to be right for you. Like I said, I respect you for helping him. I just hope it's not negatively impacting your own life.

Monday, December 22, 2014 9:23:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I'm not feeling very mature at all Mom of 3...

E, I don't know why I'm doing it... am I hoping we're getting back together? Maybe? Sigh.

Blah.

Monday, December 22, 2014 5:00:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

Since you posted about the break up, Jason has still appeared in your blog posts which is maybe why you thought you hadn't told us. I just figured you'd made one of the harder transitions to make, which is to being friends. Which I was glad to see, since your relationship with him had some pretty big, positive impacts on you and I'm hoping being friends with him will continue to be positive.

It is weird, though, the pressures are society puts on us and the way people interact because of it. Knowing a lot of women, I've seen a lot of "friendships" end the moment the woman becomes sexually unavailable - either by her getting into a serious relationship, them getting into one, or when she just outright tells the guy it's never going to happen. Boom - they disappear like a a magician in a poof of smoke, only to resurface when she's or they are single again, like nothing happened.

And so it's like you can only be friends with, or hang out with, someone you're going to be involved with romantically. Platonic cross-gender friendships seem next to impossible to sustain. And I say this as someone who works really, really hard at maintaining them ... but even I fall prey to the whole expectation that if you know a woman, if you do nice things for her, you're a fool if she's not romantically involved with you.

But sometimes things don't work out romantically, but the person is still someone interesting, fun, good to spend time with and you still want them in your life. I don't think it makes you dumb, or foolish, to want them around or for them to stick around. I think it just means you're friends, who've worked through the usual sexual tension that hangs between a man and a woman who haven't "done it" yet.

I guess what I'm saying is that I don't think you're dumb for wanting Jason around (versus Jay - different ball of wax, that one), or foolish, or any of the other stuff you seem to think you are. Confused, sure. But I have to say that this year, since you met him, I've come to respect and admire you even more, because you've let him be the catalyst for positive changes (again, with the caveat that this is only based on what you've shared with us in the blog).

Be proud of yourself, of this friendship you've got and of the person its helped you become.

At least, that's what I think.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014 8:41:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you again for your thoughts... they're very much appreciated for their insight and supportive nature.

I think while you, and others and even (the other) Jason believe this is a friendship, I'm not sure I've bought that... So I'm trying to sort of see where I stand with that now. I'm pretty much never "friends" with an ex, but... I don't know.

Will put it on the back burner of my mind I guess.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014 11:01:00 am  

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