Monday, 22 December 2014
I think I figured I hadn't mentioned it because I kind of didn't want to mention it to anyone. Sort of half told some people sort of but not really. Sort of half mumbled about it in some of my "other" writing and, well, I somehow figured I'd just skipped over it entirely here.
But I've also been half talking / not talking about it too and then yesterday I just finally went back and looked at September and, well, yeah, apparently I did tell you.
Jason and I had a really long unplanned talk Saturday night and I have no actual idea what any of it meant. One of the most upsetting parts of it for me was when he mentioned that his photography assistant kept asking him if we'd split up so he finally told her we had.
This really really upset me. I yelled a lot, I have no idea what, but there were swear words and middle fingers involved and slamming of doors (although honestly that was really due more to the fact that my bedroom door slams when the window's open and it's windy but I certainly didn't stop it from slamming.) And then once I'd sort of calmed down I couldn't stop shaking... it was shocking to my system... I felt totally embarrassed. I'd asked Jason not to tell anyone we'd split. I didn't want to feel... dumb. I don't know if I can even explain it. I just knew that we'd still be hanging out and that I'd be supporting him (whatever that was going to mean) and I didn't want people to think I was dumb hanging out with a guy who'd dumped me so I asked him not to tell.
And so to know that he did... it killed me.
I feel like now she knows I'm dumb and a loser and all these horrible things about being desperate enough to "stay" with a guy who doesn't want to be with me and all these things that I can't even explain. It just... not good.
Jason had had a couple of drinks (I wasn't drinking, he wanted to relax after a long week) and so he didn't have the capability to talk me through or really understand what I was saying but he asked me, what did I think she thought was going on? And, now, in the light of day, I don't really know, I guess I just feel like no one looks up to a girl who sticks around waiting for a guy to take her back and I felt like now I was exposed somehow as doing that.
We have a lot of things that sort of half came up in our long talk and I don't know what half of them are, but I don't know how I feel about anything right now because did I really think we were still sort of together? Yes. Did he? I... guess not? I don't know. He's always been "we're friends" blah blah blah and I...
I don't know right now.
It was just not a fun night and I don't know when we'll find time to sit down and calmly (soberly?) talk things through a little bit more.
And I certainly don't know if I can ever see his assistant person again. I don't know you guys. I really... this has always been a weird one...
Please excuse this post. I have no idea what I just typed.