Tuesday, 6 January 2015

Two Thousand And Fifteen

Life moves in mysterious ways and a dear friend of mine who has always known she wanted to be a mother, and this past year started meeting with doctors to undergo treatments and all sorts of things I don't know much about just emailed me to let me know that she and her new boyfriend are unexpectedly pregnant.

She had heard from the medical community that pregnancy might not happen for her and had tried certain procedures that hadn't worked.  And ... out of nowhere, mother nature decided that a baby was going to be had.  And I couldn't be happier for her.

I have another friend I work with who has a vaguely similar story.  She was single and of "a certain age" and was looking into ways to have a baby on her own when she ran into a former high school sweetheart, they reconnected and a year later were pregnant with their first child.

I, myself, don't have that desire, it's not a baby I'm wanting in my life, it's a partner.  And it's ironic that you can't exactly go to a doctor and say "hey, can you help me become married?"  Or maybe it's not ironic... maybe I'm just trying too hard to stretch the metaphor....

Jason says I should get a dog.  That that will give me some of the love and companionship I'm missing being "a single."

I cried when he told me this because yes, I want a dog, I always have, but it's not that simple.  At a bare minimum, it means me moving and I don't want to do that... I'm comfortable here and really like my place and this building and, well, it's a lot.  A lot of change.

And I want that magical partner.  The one that's all the things I love about Jason and all the things I liked about Jay and all the magical wonderful things I believe I would love to have in my partner and, well, maybe I just have to look at it differently.  Maybe it's my own mental version of polyamory.

Maybe I keep Jason in my life as that go to friend I can talk to about anything and say anything to and be grumpy with no matter what.  And maybe someone comes into my life that I can be a romantic partner with and I still have C-Dawg to work with and that kind of best friend stuff with and maybe it all just works.  I don't know.

I just see the magic that has happened for my friend and imagine her holding her baby this Summer and I want to lean into trusting life and the Universe to work with and for me that same way.

I'm not saying it was easy for her; I'm not saying there wasn't heartbreak.... I just... I want that.  That happy accident of all of a sudden being faced with everything I've always wanted and being utterly overwhelmed by it.. and then breathing it all in and embracing it.

That's what I want.  My life.  The way I feel it being.  With him.

And my dog.

And my place.

And my art, and my dreams and my adventures.


Jason Langlois said...

The problem with accidents is that they're not really something you can make happen (cause, y'know, then they're not accidents). You can't force things, either.


But yeah, looking for the same things and enjoying the moments in my life when it feels like I've found them.

Kristen said...

I'm not sure I agree that these types of incidents are "accidents". I think the world is full of energy and when we really truly are ready for something, we put out the right energy (and clear away any obstacles that are preventing the flow of that energy). It took me a long time to realize the way I was living and behaving was attracting exactly the opposite of what I wanted.

I think you are on the cusp of some great happy accident. Almost there. :)

Elana Elizabeth said...

I read this and thought, wow did she just go into my brain and write this. I swear sometimes we are the same person. My version of Jason, keeps telling me I should get a dog also, but like you it would mean moving and I love my apartment, and also can't move right now since I am in school. I too want something that encompasses all the best part of the people I have loved (I even have a jay like character who I also went to burning man with, whoa). Two people told me that 2015 was going to be my year, for love and gosh I want to believe them. I hope it's your year also :)

Victoria said...

Fair enough Jason... and here's wishing you happy accidents you don't know are coming your way yet :)

I totally agree Kristen, "accident" is probably not the word to describe what I mean :) And thanks, I feel like there's a cusp of something lingering around me too

Um, Elana... are we... twins and we just don't know it!!! :D

Jonathan said...

I love the introspective posts you write. And yes, I'm still reading... or at least trying to on something approaching a regular basis.

I'm sure I've told you this before, but when I met Wendy, I had pretty much resigned myself to being a life-long batchelor...

Elliott said...

When I met my wife I had pretty much assumed I was going to be a bachelor all my life and was fine with that. Then I met her (and her three little kids), fell in love and this August will be 15 years of happy marriage. I don't know if it was because I was content with being by myself or some other force, but I'm so glad it happened.

I'm hoping that a change in your mindset will help have the perfect person for you find you this year.

And for me it has always been a cat or two. Easier to look after than dogs, but just as affectionate.

Victoria said...

Good to know you're still around Jonathan ;)

Fair enough Elliott, although I'd have to move to get a cat too.

Two "I thought I was a confirmed bachelors"... go figure