Life moves in mysterious ways and a dear friend of mine who has always known she wanted to be a mother, and this past year started meeting with doctors to undergo treatments and all sorts of things I don't know much about just emailed me to let me know that she and her new boyfriend are unexpectedly pregnant.
She had heard from the medical community that pregnancy might not happen for her and had tried certain procedures that hadn't worked. And ... out of nowhere, mother nature decided that a baby was going to be had. And I couldn't be happier for her.
I have another friend I work with who has a vaguely similar story. She was single and of "a certain age" and was looking into ways to have a baby on her own when she ran into a former high school sweetheart, they reconnected and a year later were pregnant with their first child.
I, myself, don't have that desire, it's not a baby I'm wanting in my life, it's a partner. And it's ironic that you can't exactly go to a doctor and say "hey, can you help me become married?" Or maybe it's not ironic... maybe I'm just trying too hard to stretch the metaphor....
Jason says I should get a dog. That that will give me some of the love and companionship I'm missing being "a single."
I cried when he told me this because yes, I want a dog, I always have, but it's not that simple. At a bare minimum, it means me moving and I don't want to do that... I'm comfortable here and really like my place and this building and, well, it's a lot. A lot of change.
And I want that magical partner. The one that's all the things I love about Jason and all the things I liked about Jay and all the magical wonderful things I believe I would love to have in my partner and, well, maybe I just have to look at it differently. Maybe it's my own mental version of polyamory.
Maybe I keep Jason in my life as that go to friend I can talk to about anything and say anything to and be grumpy with no matter what. And maybe someone comes into my life that I can be a romantic partner with and I still have C-Dawg to work with and that kind of best friend stuff with and maybe it all just works. I don't know.
I just see the magic that has happened for my friend and imagine her holding her baby this Summer and I want to lean into trusting life and the Universe to work with and for me that same way.
I'm not saying it was easy for her; I'm not saying there wasn't heartbreak.... I just... I want that. That happy accident of all of a sudden being faced with everything I've always wanted and being utterly overwhelmed by it.. and then breathing it all in and embracing it.
That's what I want. My life. The way I feel it being. With him.
And my dog.
And my place.
And my art, and my dreams and my adventures.