Monday, 30 March 2015

A Weight

I'm completely overwhelmed by a situation in my life right now.

Someone I care very deeply about is at the end of their rope and I feel like it's somehow within my power to help them... even if it's at my own detriment.

And this isn't even a good or fair argument.

In the conversation we had just over a week ago, this person told me they have a timeline as to when they will take what I see as steps I can not live with them doing.  And I am at a point where I've had to reach out to other people they know (even though I don't) to ask for help because I'd rather lose the friendship than lose the friend.

I find myself wishing we were teenagers and I could go to the school counsellor or someone's parents and tell them and have the weight off my shoulders but somehow I'm the adult here.  I'm supposed to... I don't even know what.

But suffice it to say it's been hard trying to focus.  Work's been a blessing by giving me a few hours a day of distraction, and I've opened up to a couple of friends there about what's going on because I've been barely holding my own sh*t together with this.

I can not spend the next X number of weeks with this on my shoulders but nor can I pretend the conversation didn't happen and my loved one isn't hurting in a way I wish I could erase.

They've told me it's not my problem, not my concern and to not take it on but I'm not capable of that.  So right now I'm trying to find a way to keep myself coping, while trying to find ways to help, while trying to take care of myself, while trying to figure out just what on earth I'm supposed to do here.

I wasn't going to say anything.  To anyone.  Not here, certainly, but I am completely shaken by this and every day is fighting my own panic and fear and tears and hurt.  There's not always a lot of room for thoughts about much else.

But I try.  Distraction is helpful when I can get to it.  And I didn't see a way of getting through the next while, whatever the outcome that may be without saying something, somehow.

So, there's that.  I'm carrying a lot right now.  Feeling helpless and terrified and both needing to talk about it and wanting to ignore it entirely because those moments where I can space out on something else are the moments that are keeping me sane.

Thank you for always holding this space for me, even if I don't always lay it all bare.

PS  Yes I'm going to speak with someone for myself and yes I've called the proper people etc.  And yes, I know you care and are sending love and hugs.  Thank you.  Back at you.
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