Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Existentially Speaking

One of the difficult things right now (on a sort of a "higher" plane) is trying to find a way to let go.

So much of me feels like if I just take charge and control this situation I can push it into shape... I can make happen what needs to happen or what should happen or what I think is best.  It's this sense that I have to hold on extraordinarily tight and make it all ok.

But then I try to tell myself that I need to just let go and trust that it'll all be ok.  That it's not my job to control it, I just have to let it go and trust.

But the argument comes in that if I let go and do, essentially nothing, it might end up very badly... very upsetting and I do not want to have to deal with that.  It's the fear of the worst possible outcome that causes me to not feel able to just let go.

I'm sure all the great gurus would tell me that control is just an illusion and there's nothing I can/could do to change things but I don't feel that way right now.

If my friend were standing on a train track and the train was barreling towards them and I could push them out of the way... why wouldn't I?  How am I to just stand there and "let go" and maybe watch them get hit by a train?

It seems impossible for me to let go in this situation even though I can feel the stress of it getting to me physically and mentally.

Trying to breathe right now isn't making enough of a change for me... I don't know how to be mindful... or maybe I do but it isn't making the train slow down any.
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