Tuesday, 20 October 2015

Elephants? Not In This Room.

So did Jason just kind of drop off the face of the earth this summer?

Yeah, a little...

Jason and I hung out the week or so before I left for the cruise, and it was unsettling.  I talked to him a bit that week, he knew how my brain was running away with nerves over meeting Max and what if I liked him, what if I didn't like him, what if we really liked each other and Jason just said to relax, let it happen and that if we really liked each other we were adults and would figure it out.

I was, to be honest, disappointed that I didn't get to see Jason in between my trips.  He's been my go-to person since we met each other and I've always shared what's going on in my life with him but we didn't talk before I left for Burning Man, nor did he respond to any of my text messages while I was travelling.  (Same as last year, as far as I can remember.)  But once I was on the road, my mind had other things to fuss over, and Jason was not on my mind at all for the trip down into the States.

Once I met Max and knew, from that moment, that I had found the most amazing person, any lingering feelings or thoughts I had about or for Jason disappeared.

When I returned home, I did not actually want to see Jason, or talk to him, and so for the first few days of being home, I didn't.  But at some point, I think I felt that I owed him and our friendship a check in, so I gave him a call.

And, you guys?  I wish I hadn't. 

He was in a foul mood.

And the absolute polar opposite of Jason's energy and what he gives off when he's in a bad mood and the way I'd felt every moment of every interaction with Max was shocking.  I wanted nothing to do with this person.

And the sad part is I've always known this about Jason. 

The first time we talked, I told him on the phone that I wasn't interested in dating him.  I felt, even then, that his energy was too loud and too much and that he was angry and trying to sell himself, or something.  But... I dealt with it.  And when he is calm and grounded and in a caring mood, he's good to be around.  But feeling and hearing that?  Was really jarring.  And upset me a great deal.

I told Jason I needed to get off the phone, and he stopped me before I hung up.  "How'd it go with Max?  You haven't mentioned anything so I'm assuming it didn't go well?"

"I'm done."  I responded, through tears.  That being the most honest, heartfelt response that came from me not thinking.

"It was that bad?" he asked.

"No, I mean I'm done looking.  I'm done.  He's it." I was really crying by this point.

Because I meant it, and I knew it for sure in that moment.  And because I had realized that although Jason had been great for me in a lot of ways, he'd also been really hard for me and hard to be around and I hadn't known just how much until I'd met Max and felt what it's like to be cared for in that way.

Jason's entire tone changed.  "That's great."  He said, meaning it.  "I told you you'd know, didn't I?"

And I laughed, because yes, he had.  Jason has been my biggest encourager to believing that the right person would come into my life.

We talked for another minute or two and then I got off the phone.

I'd told Jason.  There wasn't any possibility for confusion on his part.  (Not that I'd necessarily expected that, but I like to be clear.) 

Jason and I haven't actually talked much since.  I saw him briefly this weekend, to pick up a photography book from him, and it wasn't strange, but it wasn't the same.  I see things differently now, for better or for worse.

Jason told me he would always be in my life and he would always be my friend.  And I suppose I know I can always rely on him to be someone to talk to if I need.  But I also always knew that if I wasn't maintaining the friendship, we wouldn't talk much... wouldn't see each other much, and that seems to be what has happened.

And that's ok.

I think I miss going for photo walks and hikes and shooting with him, and perhaps we'll get back to that at some point, but I do not miss his energy and mood when he's not at his best, and it''s a relief for me to not have to navigate through that.

So, yes.  Jason has been steadily dropping off the face of the earth for a while now and this summer seems to have been the last slanted slope of that.  *shrug*

Perhaps it's only me that feels differently about our friendship, but it is.  Different.

2 Comments:

Blogger Jonathan said...

Distant friends are hard - I know because most of my friends fall into that bracket. If I put the work in, they are good, and fun, and all those words - but if I don't they don't - which forces you to question all sorts of things...

Tuesday, October 20, 2015 2:45:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Mmhmmm

Tuesday, October 20, 2015 8:44:00 pm  

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