Thursday, 26 November 2015

Feeling Stationary

Counsellors and self-help books and the like are all very happy when you can recognize something... be aware of it, because it's that awareness, they say, that allows you to, at some future point, change the behaviour.

Ok.  Great.  Except it doesn't feel like progress at all.  It just feels the same.  Except possibly more hopeless because now you know what's going on or what you're doing or what's holding you back or whatever, now you KNOW but it's... still there.  It's till there and it feels like it's insurmountable.  That, or that the baby steps are going to take the rest of your life to make and, well, it feels like a whole lot of work for no feeling of progress.

Baby steps are small.

It's been cold lately.  Almost cold enough for wet snow, they thought for a while, but I don't mind the cold.  It means sunshine... brightness.  I like it.

That, and blankets and hot water bottles and, well, the sunshine.  I'll just keep going back to how much I love the sunny days of late.

Random, I know, but I don't know how to talk to you right now.  I don't know what to say or what not to say and sure, it's all change around here but still... I don't know what to say that hasn't already been said. 

And yes, I miss Max.  And I miss Max being who he was. 

And Max is still going on the trip.

And that hurts.

Even though some would tell me it "shouldn't".

Well it does. 

Baby steps, baby steps, always with the baby steps.

6 Comments:

Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I'm not going to be one of the ones to say it shouldn't.

With the recognition thing ... it's like the old GI JOE cartoon used to say "Knowing is half the battle." The problem is the other half of the battle is pretty fricking hard. Often, you don't even recognize the progress you're making because your inside it and it's so slow.

But you are making progress, from what I can tell in the postings you've made. You've come a long way, even in the last year or so, from where you were when I first started reading your words. Which means I hope you keep taking those baby steps (toddler toddles?), as hard and unsatisfying as they seem right now.

Also, hot water bottles sound like such a good idea right now.

Thursday, November 26, 2015 10:50:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Jason.

I appreciate hearing that you see progress, that gives me hope that it's happening even if I can't feel it/see it.

And yes, hot water bottles are perfect right now.

Thursday, November 26, 2015 5:55:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Every person is unique and deals with losses in their lives in different manners. No one is in your shoes or your heart other than you. There are no right or wrong answers. You should feel whatever you feel and deal with those feelings in the best possible way for you.

What I'm sure feel like baby steps to you seem more like leaps and bounds to me from what I've read over the past year or two. You have grown so much as a person over that period. I hope you continue to take those steps and move forward and leave the worse of the pain behind you.

Friday, November 27, 2015 5:43:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thank you Elliott

Friday, November 27, 2015 11:20:00 am  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees the progress you've made.

Also, have a better weekend. Stay warm!

Friday, November 27, 2015 3:12:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Jason

Saturday, November 28, 2015 7:37:00 pm  

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