Tuesday, 17 November 2015

Yeah, Not...Really

Yeah, no I'm not really back back... I mean, I'm exhausted and my mind is all over the place with everything and I'm totally out of the particular habit that is writing this way and here and I don't feel like I'm in any sort of a groove with it.  Or much of anything for that matter.

Part of that is all the whatever I'm not talking about and the space that's put me in.  I suppose I could keep it vague and just say that I'm questioning a lot of things right now.  And it's an unsettling feeling.  And I'm not openly talking about much of what's going on.  Sure, there are a couple of key people who are aware and yes, I'm talking to a counsellor type person but in general, this all is being kept close to my vest... chest... whatever the saying is.

Which is fine in some ways, but also sort of feels tight.  That makes sense in my head.  Like I'm keeping it all in a box because it's easier that way but I'm also a little bit in that box myself because of it.

Everything's weird and I'm day by day on keeping myself in a decent headspace and looking beyond maybe a week ahead pretty much just results in panic.  Or upset at least.  Overwhelm.

Still don't have the faintest idea what was running through Max's head.  Or what next summer will end up looking or feeling like.

And work.  Not talking about work (don't talk about work) but it's... yeah.  It's a lot of what's going on right now.

That, and wanting to change decades of mental, emotional training, habits and patterns.

Which is incredibly tiring in and of itself.  Never mind the rest of it.

It would have been delightful to still have had a Christmas holiday to look forward to.

But, really... not thinking about that today.  Too much upset gets brought up with that, I'm just saying.  Something nice to look forward to would be perfect right now.  You know?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” Anaïs Nin

Perhaps you are reaching this point? Wishing you strength in your trials. You have grown so much since I first stumbled on to your blog 5 years ago. You will get through this

SA fan

Tuesday, November 17, 2015 9:18:00 am  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I wish I had something nice I could some how offer to fill that "look forward to" void. Tea? That this rain can't last forever? Bath bombs from LUSH? Scented candles?


Because you're doing a lot of hard, difficult stuff right now and I want to both support and reward you for it.

Reading your blog for years now, there's been this general trajectory of increasing self-awareness, confidence and growth that has been heart-warming and inspiring to observe.

So I guess lots of virtual hugs, and positive and caring thoughts being sent your way.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015 10:40:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Yes... reaching...reached that point Anon, for sure. Thank you. Strength needed.

Thanks Jason, those help a lot. (And yes, this rain can't last forever, bring on the freezing cold sunny winter days already!)

Tuesday, November 17, 2015 2:44:00 pm  
Blogger Yvonne said...

Sending big hugs, been thinking of you! Lots of taking care of you and being gentle with yourself. I find this list helpful when I need to get down to the basics: http://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay-questions-to

Also, chocolate and wine. :)
Take care, V. <3

Wednesday, November 18, 2015 10:57:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

I'm really sorry you're having a combined rough patch with professional and personal life. It really sucks when either happens, but sucks to the extreme when they are piled on top of each other.

Work sucks here too. Facing a decision to relocate out of my beloved country or losing my job. So it's not been a lot of fun lately.

Change is hard. Change is especially hard when it involves things you hold close to your heart and in many ways is the essence of your being. I applaud you and have huge respect for you as undertake these changes.

Hoping the stars align for you and these hard changes make big differences for you and things get resolved so you can get back to feeling good, both professionally and personally.

Thursday, November 19, 2015 5:32:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Y.

Oh no Elliott, I'm really sorry to hear that! :(

Thursday, November 19, 2015 8:13:00 am  

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