Friday, 4 December 2015

Man, Oh Man

I tell ya, whatever it is that's going on right now when it gets started?  It's brutal.

Like, right now, for me, there are things that I don't know how they are going to work out or when, and those things are concerning to me.

And as soon as I get that thought, or start to think hmm... I wonder when I'll hear about X and what if I don't hear about X by the time I need to and Y happens and I have to deal with that.... and then the thoughts just go.  They run.  And all of a sudden I'm dealing with panic.  Or what I think are the physical manifestations of panic.  And the only way I can really deal with this right now (seeing as there's often nothing I can do in that moment and even if there is I'm now no longer calm enough to do it) is to try to shut the thoughts down by saying I don't have to deal with them right now I'll deal with them another time.

And if I can get that in fast enough, and stop the panic from getting too far away from me, I can generally calm myself down enough to... function.  Not to feel good, but to cope.

But I have to also ignore the part of me that says you still will have to deal with this, you know.  Ignoring it right now isn't making it go away, it's just making you not have to deal with freaking out about it right now.

Because if I pay attention to that thought, it just fuels the panic.

I guess this is how anxiety freezes people.  Because the thoughts cascade so quickly and overwhelm you with racing and twisting and spinning and your body goes into flight or fright with the adrenaline and the heart racing and the breathing shallow and sometimes the shaking and upset stomach (if you haven't caught the thoughts in time) that you can't do anything helpful because it's rushed up on you and now you are just trying to stay relatively "calm".

Or... at least that's how I feel.  You can't do anything but cope and try to calm yourself down and then the idea of doing something is way too much.  It sucks.

I write this because I had a thought start to run away with me just a few minutes ago.  A financial thought that I don't want to talk about because even just typing that starts to bring back the feelings and I don't want to go there.

I hope things will work out.  I'm trying to trust they will work out.  And I'm also trying to control the thoughts that want to run away with me by telling me I don't know and that's bad.  And all the ways it might not work out.

Anxiety sucks.  And I'm grateful that it's not a bigger part of my life and that it's something I'm dealing with and learning to put away before it becomes a bigger part of my life. 

But I tell you.  Worrying is one thing.  This anxiety crap is a whole other.  I do not like anything about it. At all.

The end.


Blogger Jason Langlois said...

You have perfectly captured it.

And also the part where you have to some how derail it before you lock up or shut down.

Really glad you're trying to deal with this.

Friday, December 04, 2015 12:49:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I know I'm glad too, it just sucks a lot of the time.

Friday, December 04, 2015 1:54:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

I can imagine that this has been a very hard path for you. Hoping and trusting that things will work out seem like positive places to me.

I see big positives where you are learning to put it away before it becomes bigger part of your life. You are fighting it and you will get it under control.

Good luck dealing with this. I know you can control it.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015 5:22:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks E. That means a lot. Helps to hear.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015 8:47:00 am  

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