Tuesday, 8 December 2015


So some other stuff has gone on with Max, stuff that has me shocked every time he shows himself in a very different light than the person I met and knew.

I'm trying to let go, I am, but I feel stuck on what was and who he was and how that all felt and the very very good I experienced.  People can tell me to move on as many times as they want, I'm not there yet.  I still wish it had all worked out and I wish things were different and I wish we were still going away together.

I also wish I understood what he was thinking and that there was an indication that we could at least be friends at some point in the future.

Outside of that, my last week was a bit better than some of the previous.  I've had a photo I put into a competition that's been accepted into the semi-finals so that was a nice email to get.  I had another two people interested in buying some art prints.

I also accidentally found Max's new dating profiles when I tried to google search one of his photos to show my brother.

That one stung.

So did a few other things he's done in the last few days.

I'm sure I'll be ok at some point, doesn't mean it doesn't all hurt right now though.

I got into a low funk this weekend, felt really heavy and draggy and low.  Felt a little less so yesterday and am hoping today's will be better too.

Our weather has been being rather weathery lately, and I still really love how freshly washed sheets feel.

You know?


Blogger kandijay said...

Ugh, don't you just love when people tell you to move on? Like, oh, I didn't realize that's what I needed to do! I'll just stop all emotions and thoughts and move on!

Just do what you need to do to be ok. What that is can change with every moment, and there is nothing wrong with that. Because you will be ok, on your own schedule.


Tuesday, December 08, 2015 8:10:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks Kandi. And yes, it's frustrating when people say or suggest "that? you're still talking about that?"

Tuesday, December 08, 2015 8:46:00 am  
Blogger kandijay said...

Yes, exactly. Because it's grieving, and no one can tell someone else how to grieve. Sometimes you need to talk about it. Sometimes you need to talk about anything else. Sometimes you need to eat your weight in ice cream. Sometimes you need to run twenty miles.

We'd all do better if we stopped trying to tell each other how to feel.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015 10:01:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

I agree. I think people try to be helpful by sharing the way of grieving that worked for them, but it doesn't always work for others.

Tuesday, December 08, 2015 6:59:00 pm  
Anonymous Ellliott said...

You need to get over this on your time. I'm sure years from now there will still be things that trigger memories for you. No different than every once in awhile something triggers a memory of my grandfather who passed away almost 30 years ago.

I know you'll be ok in time. And even when you're ok and things are in the past you may still have a trigger or two that brings back memories. There is nothing wrong with that...you shared something and you will remember things...all part of being human.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015 5:43:00 am  
Anonymous Cheryl said...

If I were in the situation, I wouldn't look for a photo or look at his facebook or anything on social media. But that's me.

I think the person you fell in love with was the Max who showed you one side of himself. Since he's shown himself differently since then (and not in a good way), do you really still wish you could be together?

I'm not saying it's easy, because it's not. I've been thru several break-up's that were heart wrenching, so I know how awful it feels.

Congrats on your photos!

Wednesday, December 09, 2015 9:05:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Thanks E, yeah it's the triggering that seems so random and ouchy.

Thanks Cheryl.

Wednesday, December 09, 2015 6:11:00 pm  

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