Friday, 5 February 2016


A van?  Seriously?  I'm considering buying a used van?  ARE YOU KIDDING????

Because, no.  Just, no.  This is not in any way a good idea.

a) I've never driven a van, so I probably will hate it and never feel comfortable doing it. 
b) I don't have the money, really to do it
c) I don't even know where I'd park it, nevermind work on it. 
d) I don't know things about vehicles and campers and it all seems like it'll cost way more money than I might be able to find. 
e) I don't know that I trust Jason as much as I'd like to as an expert on this
f) I don't really have anyone else close to me that I feel like I could even talk to about this, nevermind feel supported on about this
g) there's no point.  it's not like I could actually handle getting myself in this van I can't drive down to Burning Man, where it's clearly not going to survive the heat or dust and
h) how am I supposed to decide what kind of van and then to actually know if the person selling it is being honest or if it's a money pit
i) this is all just too much, I have too much going on already and no one is going to Burning Man this year because of the dollar so maybe I'm stupid to want to go
j) I wake up some mornings not wanting to go anyway so maybe I should just... not? 
k) am I really going to start going camping on weekends and things now just because I have this magic van that doesn't exist? 
l) the amount of things I feel like I have to figure out is utterly overwhelming.  I can't even start making a list because it's too much
m) ok, I started making a list about what I might want in a van, but it's clearly going to be too expensive
n) how on earth is any of this going to come together?  the money?  somewhere to put the van?  finding the van?  which one?  fixing it up?  making it safe and comfortable and all of the above?  HOW????????
o) what if it's all a disaster?
p) what if it ends up being a "waste" of money somehow
q) this isn't just as simple as "maybe buying a van", it's maybe find the money (sacrifice), and maybe find the "right" (there is no "right") van, and maybe somehow get myself to a far away place, and then maybe maybe be down there for weeks and then maybe camp with Max's friends that I know but don't really know and at what point does this sound fun?
r) I don't want to go to Burning Man by myself and I don't want to go with a stranger who might be awful
s) I don't want to do something that's going to make me feel and think this miserable for so long... can I do this and be like, this is so much fun and awesome and look I'm learning things?  I don't know?
t) I've made a list that's this long and I feel like I can't just stop now and really have to get to the end of the alphabet
u) the few people I've mentioned it to have all said... why don't you just rent a camper for this year and see how you like it?  Uh... because?  Money?  And... I don't want to?  And, there's a part of me that thinks it would be really really cool to drive down there in a van I made just the way I like it.  Like... I did that.
v) I really dislike how my body reacts when I'm feeling stressed and upset so I tend to avoid things that make me feel this way, and everything about this idea is stressing me, so I feel icky.  I don't think that'll change
w) there are too many decisions and I'm the only one who can make them
x) but maybe a teardrop trailer would be good?
y) if Max hadn't broken up with me, we'd still be camping together and I could probably just fly down to him... oh no, wait, I couldn't... I would have gone on the New Mexico trip and not have the cancelled flights to use... cancel that thought
z) how will I feel if I hate everything about the trip down and the week (or longer) down there and then have to come back to work and it's like I won't like that either and will no longer have the banked time off work coming up because I used it to make this van

So... yeah... that's what I'm up against.  Often from first waking up in the morning til the time I manage to get myself to sleep. 

Which means I'm considering and trying to deal with all of those horrible, not helpful thoughts while reprogramming the way I think about things, while feeling icky in my tummy (simplest way to explain my body's reaction to stress) and still dealing with all of the life things that are hard right now.


Anonymous Elliott said...

Wow, that's quite a list. No wonder you've been stressed to the hilt.

From an outsider who only knows what I've read, it sounds like the real question that you need to answer is do you want to go to Burning again or not? If the answer is honestly, truly a yes, then things will work out. If the answer is honestly, truly no, then you can clear your head. If the answer is no, I'm sure you'll find something that you truly want to do to replace Burning least for one year.

Saturday, February 06, 2016 6:07:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

So stressed E!

And yes, I want to go to Burning Man. Except for the moments when it just seems like too much work. (Which, I even got that on my trip down last year) So... yes.. ish. Ugh! ;)

Saturday, February 06, 2016 1:52:00 pm  

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