Friday, 6 May 2016

The Other Thought

I remembered the other thing I forgot yesterday.

And then I forgot it again and then remembered it again and forgot it again so I'm writing it down now while I hopefully remember.

But, yeah, it was another thing that was said to me that really blew my mind and made me realize I kind of had to change everything.

Well, ok, I didn't *have* to, but I may as well.

I was talking about how I've always constantly, in that people pleaser way, tried to do what I think people want, or need so that they'll maybe not judge me.  Or will like me.  I don't really remember the entire conversation anymore, but the gist of it was how I'm always bending over backwards to do what will make people judge me in the most positive way.  Or something like that.  Because the thing that was said to me was basically that I'm being judged anyway.

That if I force myself to be a certain way or do certain things or behave in certain ways, that I will still be being judged for that.

That maybe people will be judging me for being "so compliant" or wondering why I'm always "so nice" or whatever, the point wasn't what they might be saying, but the idea that even if I try really really hard to please, there will still be those that aren't.  And those that are judging.  And so it becomes somewhat pointless.  And the idea is then that if I'm living in this fear of being judged, or being not liked, really, then I may as well live in a way that feels good to me since I'll at least then be enjoying myself and my life and living as happily as I can.... rather than living a life for others and then feeling like they're not even really that happy anyway.

I don't know, I'm not putting the words down properly, but I just... it blew my mind to realize or to hear that I could be being "perfect" (whatever that looks like) and I would still be being judged.

F*ck.

May as well make myself happy and be in integrity with myself and learn to be ok with not being liked, or judged "negatively" or whatever.

I don't know, I'm still sort of trying to sort through it in my head.

It's a lot.  That I know for sure.

2 Comments:

Blogger Jason Langlois said...

That's huge... like a major step. And a mind-blower, for sure.

Like remembering that the one person you'll always be with and around is ... well, you. Which means putting the effort into making you happy will probably have the biggest pay offs.

I really can't want to see what comes of these realizations, because they really are earthshakers.

And if there's anything you need from us (pretend tea? virtual hugs? reminders that you are talented and interesting and amazing?), you know we're here for you.

PS - okay, I am only mildly disappointed this didn't turn out to be some revelation about the banana peel tree.

Friday, May 06, 2016 11:40:00 am  
Blogger Victoria said...

Total mind blower.

And thank you.

And PS... funny you mention that... stay tuned!

Saturday, May 07, 2016 10:11:00 pm  

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