Monday, 2 May 2016

The Telling

I considered turning comments off on this post because it's possibly the type of post that would bring commenters out of the woodwork to say things that might unintentionally make me feel bad, but... well, meh. Anyway...

I don't even know if I want to type this to be quite honest, but Jason has a girlfriend.

It's a little more complicated than that, because she's technically his ex, but that's his business and I'm not going to throw it all over the internet.  Plus, other stuff I won't go into but wish I would.  Because venting.

I say all this because it's hard.  Difficult.  The situation brings up all sorts of insecurities and ego-bullcrap for me and is really really hard.    And when I say I'm friends with Jason, who is an ex and people go WHAT?  I could NEVER stay friends with my ex, well yeah, it's not easy sometimes.

Without going into the interpersonal, personality stuff, I can't say much, but it might be slightly easier for me if he was going out with someone else, I don't know.  I do know that I never have an easy time of it when an ex moves on and especially here... not that I want to date Jason again, but my Ego keeps yelling at me that he said he ended things because he wasn't in a place to be a good boyfriend and, well, him making the change to be a boyfriend again clearly messes with that part of me that is insecure and wants me to feel miserable.

It's been a few months now, and I've avoided talking about it, in part because I can't talk about it neutrally, and because the way I found out was really hurtful, and I can't seem to shake the not so good feelings I have around it all.

But it's hard.  And it's messy in my head and I don't like it and I'm working hard to grow through it and know that at some point I'll look back and it'll feel different.

So, yeah.  That's a very surface gloss over of a situation in my life that is causing me some grumpies.  And bringing out some less than positive feelings.

It sucks, and I don't want to talk about it, and so I'm done now.  I may just pretend this post never happened.

How was your weekend?  It's May now, you know.

(Updated to add:  To be fair, nothing has really changed.  It's just a mental/emotional thing for me that clearly pushes buttons and brings up old stuff and that somehow makes it suck even more.)


Blogger Jason Langlois said...

I think I get what you're saying.


Good weekend. Spent too much money at the Toy Fair at Pearkes, and came out with a handful of books and some model tanks to build. Woo.

Monday, May 02, 2016 4:52:00 pm  
Anonymous Elliott said...

Weekend was moving kids. Fortunately they were moving within same university cities, just to different places. And of course some furniture had to go from one sibling to another or back to our home. Thank goodness for a charitable neighbour that let us borrow a large trailer.

I read something yesterday about people cheating (I know, not quite the same topic) but the root message was that it is not your responsibility to ensure your partner's happiness. They need to act as true partners and should treasure and earn your feelings and time spent with you. Seems like that might be something to help you along your path.

Tuesday, May 03, 2016 8:54:00 am  
Blogger kandijay said...

If only emotions were simple.

Three years ago, I met a guy on a dating site. He lives in Germany. We talked for two years, and then he came out to my state for work. That's when we finally met. By this point I knew I wasn't interested in him romantically, as a good share of the time we chatted he spent complaining about what a loser he is and how women don't want him. I did like him as a friend, because we share many of the same interests and most of the time have fun talks. Anyway, when I met him, he was very flirty, moreso than he had been online (though I had long suspected he liked me more than I liked him). We had a good time together the one afternoon we had, and then he left for another stop in the US for work.

The next week, while we were chatting online, he tells me he met someone. I was honestly happy for him. He had wanted love for so long... but I was also jealous. He met her while talking to me, while flirting with me, and somehow I felt... jilted. I mean, I didn't want him. Still don't. But I want love too, and the ugly part of me felt he shouldn't have it if I don't.

It's a year later, we are still friends, he is still with the other girl (who lives in Mexico), and I am still happy/jealous. I wish I could feel JUST happy, but... emotions are not simple.

Tuesday, May 03, 2016 2:09:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

Jason, there was a toy fair? How did I not know this? FUN!

That's a lot of moving E, I hope nobody hurt their back!

Oh Kandi... big hugs. Ugh. Yeah, no.... if only emotions were simple... ain't that the truth.

Tuesday, May 03, 2016 4:59:00 pm  
Blogger Jason Langlois said...

There's another one in October...

Tuesday, May 03, 2016 5:58:00 pm  
Blogger Victoria said...

I shall start saving my pennies!

Oh, wait, no more pennies to save... I shall start saving my nickles!

Thursday, May 05, 2016 10:38:00 pm  

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