My birthday is vaguely now-ish.
This year it hit me a little harder than most, or at least since any in the last number of years. My most emotionally difficult birthday to date was my twenty fifth. I may have mentioned it before, but when I was young and looked up to my parents as the model of how life was meant to be, I thought that twenty-something was very grown up and adult. My Mom, at twenty something had a husband, a house and a child and a career. I hit twenty five and had none of those. Well, I might have been a spy/librarian by then, but the *big* things... I was no where near. No husband, no child, no house, nothing and they weren't even on the horizon. I had screwed up. Failed. It was not a great feeling birthday.
That has meant, though, that most of the others have been ok. I got over that feeling I had of not having done X by a certain age. Or at least I got over that level of intensity that year had. So this birthday, it wasn't so much that as it was this feeling of time. Time having passed. And there being less of it. It's not even a "big" birthday. It's just that for some reason, this one hit me.
I feel like many of the things I perhaps thought I might do "some day" will likely not happen. Like, maybe that I might have a personal chef some day, or an on call masseuse or that some day I might try this or see that or whatever it might have been... I just feel like the reality is that there is not so much time anymore. Not that time has run out, just that there is less of it. Less of it than there was. And there will only ever be less of it.
I suppose that's a "middle of life" type "crisis" sort of thing but it's still true. It's entirely possible that the things I thought might happen in my life... might not happen. And that's how I'm feeling this year. Sure, those things might happen, or other things might happen I haven't thought of but hey... life doesn't last forever. And sometimes birthdays can remind you of that.
Time ticks ever onward and all that.