Thursday, 26 April 2018


In the dream I just had, my Mom had died.  As in, she didn't die in the dream, but had already died... but recently.

The dream was my Dad and I spreading her ashes.  Which we did by going to the beach and laying them in a little sailboat and sending that sailboat out to see.  We knew she'd love that, having loved sailing so much.

The boat capsized fairly quickly, and I was frustrated that I'd put two of my towels on it, because now I didn't have a towel, and really, we should have thought that through.  I stood watching the now upside down boat, thinking "well, her ashes are spread" and an older gentleman came by and exclaimed at the still salvageable boat.

I explained we were spreading my mother's ashes but that that was kind of done now so he was welcome to swim out and rescue and keep the boat if he wanted, but he chose not to and walked away.

I realized then, that I hadn't really told anyone in real life about my mother dying.  Not even C-Dawg.  And so I realized that as I was waking up, I was going to have to make some calls and that I just so so missed my Mom.  And I lay there, half asleep, calling out for my mother, and crying for her having died.

It was a slow wakeup and rather unsettling to realize that no, she hadn't died.  Wasn't dead.  Was still fully alive.  I'm still pretty shaken; the feeling of having to let people know and accept she was gone was so very real.

It doesn't help things that my parents left on a small cruise yesterday (but does somewhat explain the boat/loss I suppose... although my parents did love sailing back in the day) so I can't even go get a hug today.  It also doesn't help to know that feeling will most likely be true one day.  But... I won't think of that now.  Now, I just want to shake off the dream and have a day.


Jason Langlois said...


Dreams are some f'd up poop sometimes.

Victoria said...


And yeah. effed up poop indeed.