Wednesday, 24 July 2019

A Rant

Ok, I'm writing this while super frustrated so I'm calling it a rant and I might not make much sense but it's either type type type or I will attempt to tear up a canvas board which is just going to make me even more annoyed when I realize it won't "tear" but might "break" and that if I had just stopped, I probably could have figure something out when I was calmer so TYPING IT IS!


Ok.  So this isn't very important or maybe even interesting but it's where I'm at right this minute so this is what we get.

A couple of years (?) ago, for no reason I can recall, I bought what I thought were giant Sharpie markers, but what turned out to be giant Sharpie "oil based paint pens" or something.

Like I said, I can't remember why I bought them, maybe to Sharpie on stuff at Burning Man or something (I dunno!) but when I realized they weren't just regular markers, I guess I experimented with them.  (Still don't remember.)

I made a little art piece on what I call hard canvas but what I think is called canvas board and I made a few prints of it (special photocopies, is how I think of them even though that's not accurate but it's my brain it can make up silly names if it wants!) and it was an interesting little piece.

That I then filed away and ignored.

But the stupid social media site that I don't like but got told I "should" use has a "memories" function and that piece came up again and a few people commented that they liked it.  One person asked how big it was and it was a small piece that I said I could have made into a large print, but she wanted an original, so I said I'd try to do a similar large piece, and I went out and I bought more of the paint pens and a large canvas board and I started trying to replicate something I had no memory of doing in the first place.

For a number of reasons, it took me about half a year to finish the piece and I had to push myself to get the last chunk done, but recently I did manage to finish it hurray!

I took a photo of it to post, but since it really is better in person, I took some close ups and posted them too.

Well, people really seemed to like some of the closeups and I found myself wondering if maybe I could replicate the look of them, but on a smaller size and so I went out and bought two small hard canvases and yesterday I sat down to give it a try.

Except frustration.


The pens had on hand were close to empty.  Not that there's any real way to find out other than shaking them and going "well, that seems empty"? and so they didn't do the thing I was hoping they would do or I guess they kind of did but not ENOUGH to make me be like, yeah, that's it! and I don't feel like I have it in my budget to go and buy more paint pens but that's likely what I'm going to have to end up doing because twice yesterday I had to stop myself from attempting to utterly destroy the canvas and doing some other angry thing I never really thought through (yelling?  angrily throwing the pens away?  stomping around my apartment quietly so as not to disturb my neighbours?)

But **** it's frustrating.  To have an idea in mind and not be able to make it happen because of sub par tools (and trying to not spend money.)  I am certain there's some other medium (tool) that could do what I want to do in a much more effective and efficient way but damned if I know what it might be and man, this is the first time I've been this frustrated over a piece in a while.... (I've also been having a creative block but that's another story)  Usually when I'm this angry at a piece it's on paper and I just rip it up or something, but for now, I'm typing on my computer, while glaring at the table with the half finished canvas and stupid empty pens all lying there like they had some kind of party without me.


Being frustrated and angry is no fun.  No fun at all, I tells ya.