Thursday, 4 July 2019

Posts

I've been trying to write and post more, but I have found more than a couple of stumbling blocks.

One that I've mentioned is that I got out of the habit.  And because my routines have changed somewhat, I'm not always around on a weekend afternoon/evening to sit and write (which is what I did for years.)

Another is that I often don't know what to talk about because I restricted myself in at least one giant area when I started blogging (work) and when I got sick, I restricted myself doubly because being sick affected work and Jason told me it was maybe best to be over cautious and not blog about it in case "someone who shouldn't" read it... or something... I forget, I just know that all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't write about ANYTHING that was actually going on in case "Bad Things" happened.  (Spoiler... when you have anxiety like I am currently dealing with, Bad Things are seemingly always just about to happen.  DID I MENTION THE SKY IS FALLING CHICKEN LITTLE?)

But what I've noticed, as I try to push myself this last while and to get back into a routine, is just how extremely difficult, and at times even impossible, it is to write while I am dealing with anxiety.  So, if, for example, like last weekend, I put aside some time to write, if during that time my anxiety is high or I'm having a panic attack or just a hard time of it, to sit and write about that anxiety actually makes it worse.  Which then means I will actually start to get more anxious because "I'm supposed to be writing a bunch of posts" and "now there won't be any" or "I'm going to write a lame one and do the rest tomorrow once I'm calmer" but then life happens and I don't have time the next day and so on...

As I sit here right now (ok, technically I'm lying or lounging on my couch!) it's the Monday night of the Canada Day long weekend and I got through some events and things that I was really anxious about so I'm pretty calm.  And I'm trying to take some time while I'm calm to type out a few posts. 

Doesn't mean I have the inspiration, or that any of the "blog post idea" notes I left for myself make any sense like... "Spring-sun"... um.. ok.  It got sunny and it's Spring?  I like the sun in Spring?  Spring sun is warm but not hot?  I dunno, but I'm crossing it off the list now, if only because it's Summer! (And lord I love these long days so so so so much...)

Hoping to find myself more able to jump over said stumbling blocks as time goes on and my desire to get back to more real and honest sharing comes back.

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