Wednesday, 7 August 2019

The Big One... (That I Maybe Shouldn't Say?)

I'm going to be blunt and honest here and say that I have not been able (well enough) to return to full time work since the end of October, 2015.

I know my big question, were you to tell me a similar thing, would be to ask about financials. (Although I'd probably be too polite to actually ask you, I'd sure as heck wonder.)

And, well, financials are a tricky thing to talk about on a good day, and in this case, it was one of the main reasons Jason told me not to blog about anything.

I know I'm being vague, sorry, but a) privacy b) concerned cuz... dunno?  c) it's money.

So all I'll say is that I don't want to talk about it (in no small part because I was warned not to) but I am struggling but managing. (Kinda)

So, um, yeah.  I hate money, I hate talking about money, it is one of my major major stressors and causes me a massive amount of anxiety.  Many of the panic attacks and worst anxiety I've had since this all happened have involved money and let's just leave it at that.

Relatively speaking, I am a very rich person.  I have a roof over my head, fresh, clean, running water, electricity, food, a vehicle, and the list goes on.  I am grateful and know I'm lucky.

I also, because of what Jason said "DO NOT TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF" and the anxiety that had taken over my life and psyche I was terrified of even existing for a while there.  As in... was every car parked on the street someone watching me to make sure I wasn't faking?  If I smiled at someone on the street, would I get "in trouble" in some way?

None of this might make any sense, but it's what I was stuck in at the time.

And lord do I hate talking about money so can we just leave it for now?  I'm coping and managing but it's not easy and it's a massive, massive stress.

But yeah, spoiler... see sentence one.

(And yeah, sorry, going to turn comments off for this one, I'm freaking out already at the fact that I typed this out and that it might be a really stupid thing to do but y'all?  This is such a stress and has been a major trigger for me.  Major.  So I wanted to be honest... in at least a small way.)