Tuesday, 18 February 2020

A Real Nowhere Man

I feel like I keep bumping up against things that upset me that are age related.

Like, I don't want to call them "mid life crises" because that would imply I'm mid way through my life, and well, I don't want to think that.... not until I'm 60 or something (sigh).... Anyway...

I mean there's the whole aspect of not really knowing when you might die, so my life might not be half over, it might be ending in a week, or many decades from now, but I'm kind of off topic at this point, I certainly am not all that young anymore (read: I'm not 20-something anymore... even though so many 20-somethings seem to feel "it's all over" when... so... not) and I think the fact that I keep aging and am dealing with an aging body and people around me are having birthdays with numbers that cause my brain to go "huh?" I keep thinking about all the things I'm not going to be doing in this lifetime.

Like, things that take twenty years to develop or figure out.  I can probably pull off one of those, maybe two, but not seven, or ten.  I can't live all the lifestyles I see out there.  I can't be a rockstar anymore.  Or get scouted by a modelling agency (there was a part of me as a kid that thought I'd get scouted in a mall... no idea why, I've never been tall... or particularly thin...)  I'm not going to be one of the girls on The Bachelor or be a social media influencer.  And I'm not saying these are things I value highly or even things that I want to do or have happen, there's just this feeling of sadness and sometimes something close to panic that I can't. 

I can't be a rich couple who gallivants around the world being beautiful and rich.  I can't write a hit song and make a documentary about the last ten years of my career.  I can't be an established actor, or author.  I can't start and run a biodiverse organic farm.  And I know you can probably look at the things I've written and you can say "sure you can!" but I can't.  Not all of them.  Likely not any of them.  There are so many worlds and lives that I just can't do, or be.  Astronaut?  Nope. 

Some of these "missed" things are body-health related.  There are definitely some things that are best for younger bodies... so careers as surf legends and BMX jumper are out.  Some of these things are money related.  I want to be able to jet down to Mexico to watch Dave Matthews and Tim Reynolds and go to all the concerts I want to and then still afford some exotic vacation and yeah, sure throw Burning Man in there too.  Oh, and I'd like to be able to make my van drivable again.  And to camp.  Whenever.  To just have more freedom financially is one thing but so many things I'd like to try or do don't seem likely to be within a range of money I expect to have.  Maybe ever.

Own a home?  Doubtful, but maybe?  But man would I ever love (in theory) to be working on my garden, planning for Spring, eating my own... food that I grew.  And I know, grass is always greener... there are folks who own homes and gardens who are like OMG SO ANNOYING AND TIME CONSUMING AND EXPENSIVE and I get it, I do, but I am feeling the loss of so many things lately.

I even sometimes find myself wishing I could be pregnant.  To know what that's like, and what it's like to have a child, and that's a whole kettle of worms and I don't want to get into it because it's a lot, but still... it's one of many things right now that I feel sadness and anxiety around not being able to do, probably ever.

Existential anxiety I suppose.  Mid life crisis upset, sure. 

I just see that there is so much life out there to be had and to be tried and I feel all sorts of not so happy ways about that.

6 comments:

Jason Langlois said...

I think this is part of why older people tend to come across as grumpy.

Victoria said...

Possibly...

Anonymous said...

Honestly, I feel you really can do a lot of interesting things with your life- there is plenty of time - you just have to figure out what you really want.Sometimes, that is the hardest part. You are a talented photographer & writer already.
I watched a documentary about Julia Child & she didn't train to be a chef until her 40's & got a book deal in her 50's then her show after.
I know I don't really "know" you but you have overcome alot in the last year by setting goals & achieving them and most you have listed are just bigger, more exciting, long term goals.
brandi

Victoria said...

Aw, thank you brandi, you have me in tears.

Jonathan said...

I've had similar thoughts from time to time. You're not alone.

Victoria said...

Hugs Jonathan.