Wednesday, 10 March 2021

Hope Shut Off Valve

I'm not wanting to start a political anything here, I'm just wanting to vent.  But I am not excited about the Covid vaccine.

I'm not worried about it, I trust the science etc etc it's more that I don't think it's going to change anything.

And I was thinking about that this morning and I wonder is that me keeping my hopes low so I don't get disappointed?  Is that me not allowing myself to feel hopeful?  I don't know.

I don't like talking about Covid or masks or the vaccine with people because there is SUCH a range of understanding and beliefs and all the rest and so I don't talk much about it, or if I do, I do so carefully... 

I keep hearing "oh, things could be normal by Summer or Fall" and I just respond to that inside my head with no.

No they won't.  I'm tired of worrying and I'm tired of being numb.  I'm tired of it all and so I don't think I can afford to let myself think of a "normal" Summer or Fall.  Will I be vaccinated by Fall?  Probably?  But again, who knows.  So... maybe.

Will I, once vaccinated, suddenly go to movies and restaurants and concerts?  Nope.  I will not.  Will my friends/family?  Possibly?  I do not know.  Jason, I think, is chomping at the bit to see his friends and listen to live music again so he might jump into that stuff once it's deemed safe... or safer, but I've talked to him about it and he's not sure when he'll feel ok to do so....  I know people are fed up and I know the government and health authorities will have to make some choices in the coming months as vaccines roll out.  I know that and I know that they probably have to balance risk with public well being.  

Will I feel ok once most of us are vaccinated?  I DON'T KNOW!!!!

Will the W.H.O. ever declare this pandemic over?  Probably... at some future unknown point.  But that doesn't mean it will have gone away, or been eliminated so what will I do, how will I react?

What will happen with masks?  Will you still see people wearing them?  I think so.  What about in crowds?  What about when they're feeling under the weather?  Gods I hate wearing a mask but will I want to go maskless once I'm "allowed" to again?  I don't know.

I've never been a mosh pit person but if I had been, would I feel like being squashed up against a lot of sweaty, heavily breathing strangers again?  Soon?  Later?  Ever?  I don't know.

And no, it's not like I have to make any decisions.  It's not like I can't figure this stuff out at whatever future point.  And it's not like I can't change my mind.  What will my fear around other people look like?  What will our social fears be?

Folks now are (apparently) holding house parties and gatherings and so they'll continue to feel ok doing so.... since, you know, they feel ok doing so now.  And there are people who feel ok in restaurants right now so they'll feel ok later too.  But what about someone like me, or someone who has a family member going through cancer treatment?  Or my parents?  What will they ever feel ok doing again?  Visiting friends?  Seeing their grandkids?  Seeing me?  Will vaccinations make some folks feel entirely comfortable and others not so much?

What all have I been vaccinated from before.... bird flu or something?  And was I afraid of it then?  No, not really.  So am I afraid of it now?  No, not really.  I did need proof of vaccination if I wanted to travel though... I seem to remember that.  But am I afraid of Covid?  Yep.  Will I continue to be?  I don't know.  Maybe?  Will I have to learn to live with it?  Will something else come along and do this all over again?  I DO NOT KNOW AND I HATE IT ALL.

So, yeah... I'm not going down the road of hope, but I'm also not stopping anyone else from doing so.  I just don't know and I do try to manage my anxiety around illness but also be smart and careful.

I just wish it would all go away.  Like boom, poof, gone, bye bye no more and we could just forget about it in time.  

I hate constantly thinking about where my hands have been and not touching my face and if my mask is protective enough and being so constantly vigilant.  I hate it.


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