Friday, 5 March 2021

In Your Head, In Your Heaaaad, Zombie, Zombie, Zombie e e

I was thinking the other day that so much of my UGH is very likely from me being so far into my own head. (Hence the almost unavoidable if you're my age ear worm).

For example... as I was thinking ahead to going into (workplace) I thought my way through what all I should bring in with me.  Like in a carry bag sort of thing. (If that makes sense... since I'm "volunteering" for lack of a better term, I don't have the usual workspace to store stuff. Long story, don't talk about work blah blah blah...)

So... snack.  Waterbottle.  Spare mask.  Gloves?  Mask filter.  Face wash.  Cloth for face wash.  Hand sanitizer.  Bags to put wash and sanitizer in in case they leak.  Ear saver.  Probably something else that I forget right now and I'm not getting off my couch to go look in the bag.

And I've taken this bag in to (workplace) a few times now and the only thing I've used out of it is the snack, and water bottle.  Oh and I store my purse in there I guess.

Which made me start to wonder... how often does my "planning" actually cause me anxiety?  Because why did I think through all those things?  I was thinking of worst case sort of scenarios.  Or ok, not actual worst case, but like "I might need" for a reason sort of things.  Like a spare mask in case I sneezed into mine or needed a new one for some reason.  That means my brain is "worried" that I'm going to sneeze or that something will happen that means I need an extra mask with me.  

This isn't *just* an anxiety thing, I've always been the person who has a few Asprin in her purse and probably some Kleenex too and in University a friend made a nickname for me around it suggesting I'm always prepared.

Same when I've gone to Burning Man.  Some folks pretty much wing it.  I take allergy meds and stomach meds and anti nausea and anti diarrhea meds and so on and so on.  And do I use them?  Not usually, but I would rather have them and not use them than wish I had them and need them.  You know?

But I did start to wonder if this kind of "really well prepared"-ness actually gives me un-necessary anxiety.  Because my brain is maybe in part assuming that these bad things will happen.  Has at least in a small way anticipated them happening.

Now, I don't want to turn into someone who is un-prepared, but maybe if I can put together the stuff and then really tell myself that I will likely not need these things and so there's no need to worry or anticipate them happening?  Like maybe if I can just make sure my brain (worry brain) understands this isn't predicting anything, it's just being prepared to make my life a little easier in the rare case something does happen.

But I guess for (workplace) I'm sort of like, well..... it's not like it's a camping trip in the middle of nowhere.  It's, you know, a workplace, where if something goes "wrong", I can just adjust for next time.

Maybe it's a Covid specific thing too.  Because if I were doing this any other year, my "carry bag" would have snacks and water bottle and that's probably it.  And maybe it's normal for me to be a little extra nervous/anxious about being outside of my year-long comfort zone.  So maybe I'm over thinking the over thinking?

But whatever the case, I will be watching out for myself in case I need to calm myself from... my... self.

And maybe after a while I'll leave the bag in the trunk or something.  (Although it's not really a big deal to carry it in with me so... yeah.  Dunno.)


Jason Langlois said...

Finding the balance of between 'unprepared' and 'overprepared' is a tough one. I do find myself getting more anxious if I start thinking of everything that could go wrong... I've worked on just thinking about some of the things that could go wrong.

Victoria said...

It's a balance for sure!