Thursday, 18 March 2021

Sad Emoji

Something I'm coming to think might be a thing... and something I should maybe bring up with my counsellor... like, something I'm suspicious about is that I think since I've started volunteering at (workplace), I've had a massive increase in very negative, very un-nice self talk.

Like lately there's been a whole lot more "I hate myself, I suck, I'm awful, I'm unattractive, I'm fat" kind of thinking and self talk than I can remember in a while.

And it's not fun.

It's also not helpful or healthy because it stalls me out.  I hear those and feel those thoughts and feelings and it doesn't make me want to do anything.  

I'd been walking fairly regularly.  Three maybe even four times some weeks.  Now?  I'm pushing hard to get two walks in.  And they're usually right after I've come home from (workplace) where I want to get some of the stress and angst out before I crash for the rest of the day.  And it's like the in between days, the other days?  I just feel so drained and blah that I don't want to go for a walk.

And I know the only way through this is through it.  But I play the game of wanting to push myself a little while not wanting to be horrible to myself and letting myself rest and being ok with being "allowed" to rest and curl up and be in my little, quiet, cocoon (good lord I can't spell that word it just does not look right). 

I mean, maybe it's coincidence, right?  Right.  Maybe.  Maybe a whole crap ton of negative self talk and self image just HAPPENED to come back full force right as I started spending time again at (workplace).  Maybe just a total coincidence.  Could be.  (Ahem)

And I should clarify... it's not as if people there are unkind to me, it's not about something like that.  I think it's maybe just the stress and maybe just being back in this place that was so ..... whatever, that it made me sick, and maybe it's that my system is like "oh, familiar place, we hate ourselves here, remember!"  So I suppose I can try to shift that mind set and tell my mind and body and system that that was then and this is now and things are different.

I dunno.  Hence the "should probably talk to my counsellor about it".  You know?


Being mean to yourself inside your own head is a really not fun thing and really doesn't help in trying to do anything at all at all.

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