It's Not Specific

Both Jason and my brother have said for as long as I've been off work that I should change professions.  One of my counsellor types said the same, but for a few reasons I've always been pretty determined to come back to .... you know, "being a spy."

And I feel like these last however many weeks (8?) the sh*t I'm going through in my head doesn't really have much to do with being a spy or spy work at all but more to do with me.

I tried talking to Jason about it the other day but he still feels like things would be hunky dory (or at least hunky dorier) if I were to change professions.  I'm sure he has his reasons for thinking this but right now I don't care what he thinks... he's so very much not in my head dealing with what I'm dealing with.

See the issues, when I'm able to pinpoint them aren't about spy work at all.  Like it's not as if I'm worried about stealing diamonds or the effects of lasers on my eyesight or anything really work specific, it's honestly more just mental shit. 

Like... "I suck at this".  You're telling me that if I started some new job in some new career or profession I wouldn't feel like I sucked?  I bet you dollars to donuts I would.  (What does that even actually mean?  I should google it).

Or feeling like I "can't do this" (a variation of being bad at it, not identical)?  How would that be different in any other new to me role?

Ok, so let's make an argument for going back to the original type of spy work I left.  How might I be feeling?  Well, probably scared of all the things I was scared about?  And probably overwhelmed at how things have changed since I was gone and probably overwhelmed by the workload and all sorts of things but also maybe there would be a sense of familiarity or "oh yeah, I remember this" so maybe I'd still feel crappy in a lot of ways anyway.

But taking on a new job right now?  I can't see how that would give me any peace.  The stuff I have to deal with right now (not specific to the learning curve of this new position) will apply to so much more than this particular job or workplace.

Like, for example, feeling like I'm doing a bad job.  By whose standards?  Has anyone said that to my face?  Nope.  Just me and my brain telling me as much.  In fact, one spy told me the other day that they thought I was doing a good job and of COURSE I totally blew that off like "oh, they're just being nice" or "they don't REALLY know" but damn y'all, what if I am and my mind just isn't letting me know it?  HOW MUCH WOULD THAT SUCK!?

I asked Jason last night if when he was a boss in whatever he used to do (I legit don't know, sorry dude!) if people who were actually bad at their jobs thought they were bad at their jobs and he said generally not.  He said that in his view someone in my position just needs mentorship and support.  And my god YES I DO PLEASE.  (And yes, I've asked and no it's not really happening, not in a way that's helping anyway...plus I'm not always great at accepting support and I've honestly been so overwhelmed like completely overwhelmed that the support I have gotten kind of flew over my head...)

So that internal voice saying I'm doing a bad job, I highly doubt it would say any differently were I to start working elsewhere.  And I suppose that's a big D Depression thing... the negative self talk.  

I asked C-Dawg how she would handle it and she sort of said she'd remind herself that she's awesome and then prove to herself she was doing a good job.

This... seems so foreign to me... knowing or believing or thinking you're awesome?  How?

And yes, that sucks to recognize.

When I left work, I'm not sure I thought I was bad.  I do remember some of the things that were stressing and upsetting me, so it's not really fair to compare where I was to where I currently am.  Where I am is just that.  And that's where I'm working from and what I'm working with.

All of the pressure, ALL of it (at least for now) is coming from me.  "The call is coming from inside the house" and all that.  It really is.  *I* think I suck.  *I* think I'm doing a terrible job.  *I* think no one will like me and that everyone will be so mad when they find out I can't do the job.  THAT'S ALL ME.  ALL OF IT.

And I tried to write it out for myself the other day... the "so what?" aspect of it.  Like, say I am bad.  And everyone's mad that I'm a really bad spy.  So what?  Maybe I'd get fired?  But most likely there'd be a process before that happened (because even I can see I'm not "instant firing" level of bad... I show up on time, all that kind of stuff.)  And I tried to ask myself the so what of what IF I actually do a bad job, so what?  Will the world fall apart if a diamond doesn't get stolen in time?  Not the entire world, maybe just the top secret government lab that needs the diamond for... uh... spy reasons.  Maybe their plan would fall apart but I mean really, it's not life or death (spoiler, not a brain surgeon.)  That's all just in my head (brain surgeon joke here please, thanks!)

I'm so very horrible to me, more horrible than probably any actual real life human has ever been.  And sadly, most of the horrible I don't even notice.  It's like my brain sneaks it in there when I'm not paying attention.  And it doesn't put it out in a way that shocks me, it even sort of somehow manages to make me feel things before I even really have the thought?  I don't know.

Anyway, the point of this post was that maybe when I first left work I should have changed careers.  But I was 400% not in any state to do anything like that.  And now I don't see anything changing for me if I were to leave and try to start again elsewhere.  All these thoughts, they're pretty non-job-specific.

Maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe everything would be solved if I did change careers or jobs but damn... maybe it wouldn't, you know?