Yelling At The Screen

A number of years ago I heard about Yoga With Adriene - a nice lady (with a nice dog) who has created accessible yoga videos. I tried a few and didn't keep with it for a variety of reasons.  But every once in a while I'd look up a yoga video for a certain reason and her stuff would show up and I'd maybe try again.

I also, without looking to see if I remembered to write about it, did try yoga classes a few times, both hot (ugh) and regular, but honestly, it was really hard and it's difficult to push yourself to do something that feels icky.  And now, of course, Covid.  So, no.  

Someone in December (online) mentioned that they were going to do Y.W.A's January 30 day "program".  For kind of unknown to me reasons I decided I would sign up (it's free) fully expecting me to totally bail on the thing and maybe feel a little guilty for doing so.  So I signed up.  I would be getting an email a day for 30 days in January with a link to a yoga video.  And I didn't tell anyone I was planning on trying this, so that if I didn't?  I'd only feel guilty privately and quietly.  No one but me would judge me.  (And me judging me is pretty bad anyway... just saying.  Sigh.)

(The first email was just a welcome note and I had a chuckle to myself if she was trying to give a little leeway to those who might be recovering on the first of January!)

When the first video came I sat down and gave it a go and you guys?  I felt awful.  

By the second day I was hurting all over.  My neck and shoulders, my wrists, my calves were cramping, I was sore and miserable and worried I was somehow going to hurt myself or had already hurt myself.  I had to wear leg warmers to bed to try to help the cramps and massage my hands, feet and arms to try to reduce the pain.  Miserable.

But... I sat down to do a video the next day and the next.  And that's when I started yelling at the nice lady in the videos.  "Really?  YOU THINK I CAN DO THAT!????"  "F*ck you and your downward dogs."  "OH COME ON!"  "NO.  NO MORE!"

Yeah, I was angry at this lady for assuming I could do things that my body was far from able to do.  It sucked.

I did also find a little bit of amusement after each video at the fact that yoga is "sold" as this beautiful, peaceful relaxing practice and here I am getting super angry and upset and yelling at someone who can't hear me and likely wouldn't be phased.  Sigh.

I did skip a day early in that first week.  I was really physically hurting and not enjoying things and my day was busy and so I pretty much chose not to take the time to do the video.

And you'd think I just quit then and there, but I didn't.

I did the next video the next day.  And I started just NOT doing certain things and taking breaks and doing what the mean part of my brain might call "half assing" it.  So I started letting myself take it easy, to adjust things, to stop and rest if I needed to.  

But man oh man am I weak.  So very incredibly weak.  I have a logical understanding of why (the four years I spent with "not quite frozen" shoulders - first one and then the other - and that meaning I wasn't able to do much strengthening at all.  I stopped the expensive personal training, etc.  And just as I was managing to get myself into the gym and getting cardio from swimming - without using my arms - a float board instead - Covid hit and gyms and pools became no-go zones.) I was so weak, most especially in my arms/wrists/upper body, but feeling it and feeling that lack of ability really really sucks.  Really really.  Maybe not for everyone but for me?  I've always been physical and strong enough.  Not tough or anything but strong enough.  I was able to dead lift what I thought was a decent amount and all that kind of thing?  The shoulder stuff and then the Covid-stuff really weakened my body.  Far more than I could ever have imagined.

I remember when I was starting back up at the gym in early 2020 and talking to my physio about the pains and issues I was having and she told me it would be 3-4 months of pain/discomfort while my body got used to the exercise and physicality.  I was willing to go through that.  And then Covid shut down the world.  Not an excuse, I know, but that first year was hard for me.  Hard sometimes to even leave the house at all, nevermind find motivation to push painful exercise on myself.

But anyway, back to the present.  My wrists hurt, my arms were brutally weak, my core is non existant, my legs and calves and feet cramp and hurt.  I do not enjoy the process of yoga.  I just don't.

Which makes me feel like I was lied to but that's probably on me and what I believed about it.

I hate feeling week.  Hated it a lot in the first weeks.  But I kept on doing the videos.  

I think it really helps that they're not longer than 30 minutes.  Most of them seem to be around 20 minutes and often the first few minutes are fairly gentle and then I just tell myself there are only 12 minutes left and I can probably survive that.  And I can adjust as I need to.  And it helps that I generally feel pretty good for a few hours after.  I've even had some days where it knocked back some pretty hefty anxiety.  But it's also hard and frustrating and I feel so lame and weak doing it.  Really.

I think it was probably only this last week that I stopped being really angry with the yoga lady (as I call her).  I told Jason and C-Dawg and my counsellor that I was doing this thing and that I was yelling at the yoga lady.  Some days I'll just tell Jason or C-Dawg "gotta go yell at the yoga lady now" because honestly some of those videos SUCK for me.

Something else that really helped though was going on to a forum and searching for the video program thing and seeing other people say that this 30 day challenge was much harder than the previous ones.  Someone even said that this was the first time they'd ever gotten mad at her!  I felt SO much better!  All of a sudden I wasn't just horribly weak and lame - she was actually doing quite advanced things and I was not the only person struggling!  People who'd done more than me and more often than me were struggling!  I felt SO much better!  That was quite a relief to read.

I'm nearly at the end of the 30 day (29 for me!) thing and I'm not sure what's next for me.  I like to think I could keep up a daily thing, but I'm also aware that my outside walks have dropped dramatically this month as I've sort of replaced them with this and I'd like to be getting back to those again.  I don't know if any of her other 30 day things are 20-30 minute videos but I'll look into that.  Long yoga videos just... no.  I can't.  20 minutes?  I can.  I might have to yell and take breaks but.... it's been pretty doable so far this month.

Some days I do not enjoy and I get frustrated with her expectations of me (a total stranger).  But I also know that's a mental thing and something for me to work on for sure.  She even talks about being gentle with yourself and being ok with, for example, falling out of a balance.  So it's not her, it's me.  (But never in my life did I think yoga would make me so angry!)

I noticed this week that I was a little more able to do a few more things.  Maybe hold a downward dog for more than 5 seconds.  Maybe try a plank pose without my knees being down.  And as I was ... er, shaving my legs (sorry Mom!) the other day, I noticed "dimples" in my knee area I don't remember seeing before.  Maybe... maybe my body is just a little bit stronger after three or so weeks?  Even at "only" 20 minutes a day?

I had massage the other week.  It's the same person I've seen since the vehicle accident in 2009 so he knows my body pretty well.  He was pleasantly surprised at how "good" my neck area was as I'm usually pretty awful in winter with the cold.  "Maybe that yoga is doing something!" he said.  And you guys?  I literally shouted "NO, I HATE IT!" at him.  He laughed... I pretended to laugh.  UGH.  WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO SUCKY?

But as they say, the only way over is through.  My body can't get stronger if I don't ask it do do things that involve strength.

So yeah, here I am at the end of the month, telling you about something I did not enjoy doing for pretty much the entire month.  But I have so far done it all days but one.  And I think I'm seeing some improvements.  And I don't exactly want to stop doing it but I also don't want to pressure myself into continuing.  30 days seemed doable.  Not sure about more.