The Rage

Oh the rants that I've had that are not helpful or productive.

The anger I feel, the things I want to say and scream and yell at other people.

Things about mis-use of a flag that used to mean something, but that hasn't in the last number of years as more truths about our past and history emerges.

Things about not understanding what freedoms we have.  And ME not understanding what fucking freedoms you think you're missing.

Things about the things I've heard and read from residents of Ottawa.  The noise, the pollution, the hate, the ALL OF IT.  Things I've read about blockades and stopping traffic and bridges and borders and I AM SO ANGRY.  

Things and thoughts about the amount of fucking privilege you have to have to be doing what you're doing and the amount of self righteous thoughtlessness this shows.  Like when teenagers complain about going to school and it's like do you understand students in other countries walk hours a day because they're SO DESPERATE to go to school?  Do you understand how lucky you are to live here?  To have free access to vaccines you don't want to take?  To be able to afford to buy masks?  To GET to choose to not have a vaccine and then to complain that you're not allowed to do things.  Things that are meant to keep others safe?  YOU ARE SO DAMN FREE!  And SO damn lucky and privileged and have you tried being of a different race and protesting injustice?  Water purity?  Old growth forest protection?  Have you tried being Indigenous and knowing your missing and murdered women are ignored?  Have you tried watching your child die of an incurable disease?  DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LUCKY YOU HAVE IT?

But as I sit and think about all the anger I feel.  The disrespect for the sacrifices I have made that SO MANY of us have made.  The disregard of what I go through every day wearing a mask I don't want to wear, taking shots I'm anxious about, being careful to do my best to take care of others.  I DO THINGS I DON'T LIKE DOING IN ORDER TO TAKE CARE OF OTHER HUMANS FUCK YOU!

(And I won't talk about the things Jason has heard.  The things he's read.  The understanding he has about what is wanted/desired/believed.  I just... can't.  It's awful.  It's frightening.   It's... unreal. ... They want/wanted to overthrow the government???  COME ON!  But then again, who is really "controlling" this or in charge of this.  It ain't truckers anymore.  The actual trucking folks came out against this day one... just saying...)

As I sit and think about all the anger and upset and hurt I feel, I feel my face growing hot.  I feel my jaw clenching.  I feel my heart speeding up, my breathing getting shallower, I feel the upset running through my system and it does not feel good.  It feels bad.  And that helps no one.  It doesn't fuel me, it drains me.  So I cry at Jason, or in private... I let it out somehow, quietly, to one other person.  And I try not to make myself sick and upset over the fact others don't seem to care about me and mine.

Because I have to take care of me.  So I try to let it go.  I try to keep it down and in.  I try to ignore.  To not read about it, talk about it, look at it or into it.  I try.  I try.  I try.  For me.  For my health and well being.

But I am so angry.  So hurt.  So lost and confused and scared and sad.  I hate this.  

I need to let it go.  

I need my face to feel cool, not this anger hate hot.

I wish you well.  I assume you wish the same for me and that you're doing things to protect me and so even if I think you're wrong or incorrect or misguided, I will try to let go and let be.