Sigh

I had another "I'm exhausted and not ok" day yesterday that oddly enough started out with snow (and some of the biggest flakes I've ever seen) that was timed poorly for my (still don't like it) drive to work and I made it through the day and stopped on my way home to get some sugar (in the form of some creme eggs).

I had to kind of sneak* my way around a lady who was picking out her own Easter candy and as I was standing near her looking for the eggs I wanted she told me I "could have just said excuse me" or.. something like that.  So I tried to joke about it (I guess?  I dunno, I was beyond exhausted and just wanted to go home with sweets in hand) and jumped back and said "sorry, excuse me!" and I suppose without the full face context (wearing a mask takes a way a whole lot of expression) she took it the wrong way and said "oh, I see you're just weird."  Which... I just walked away from but kind of took the wrong way as I was beyond tired and not ok of late.  (But I also accepted that might have been a weird response, I dunno... I kind of thought it was funny?)

*(By "sneak" I mean, move carefully behind her.  If I'm in a spot in an aisle where I have to move in front of someone's eyesight, I always say pardon me or something but in this case I was moving behind her, trying to avoid her as she was taking up most of the small space.  I suppose she may have turned as I passed her as when she "spoke" at me she was facing me in the aisle but when I passed her she had been looking at the products.... I was being careful and didn't, I suppose, feel the need to excuse myself to someone's back.)

She kept going.  I'm honestly not really sure about what, but I went into defense mode and started apologizing.  "I am sorry.... I have had a bad day."  Looking back at it now, I have no idea what I was apologizing for, but tired me = extra sensitive and extra sensitive = social anxiety ON POINT.  She kept at me, told me "clearly" and that I should "GO HOME AND REGROUP, you are SO RUDE and AGGRESSIVE...".  I put my hands up in "I surrender" mode and said "will do" and started to walk away, now incredibly upset and near tears and without any creme eggs (they were out).  She started to talk loudly about me to people in the store and I walked down a couple of aisles to avoid her and left the store to hear people laughing and talking about "how people are when shopping, trust me".  It was awful.

Awful mainly because I'm so not ok right now.  And awful because I took all of it personally.  (That's the social anxiety piece as it shows up for me "everyone hates me, I'm awful, I am the worst, look how much they all hate me.")

I went to the next store over to see if they had any eggs (I really really double wanted the sugar now) and walked around the store crying and holding back sobs (and still without eggs/sugar).  

I sobbed all the way to my car.  I tried to drive safely but by this time I was in this strange crying sort of panic attack and I didn't think it was wise to drive to another store to get the eggs I wanted so I just went home.  And I cried and cried.  Hating myself.  Feeling awful for whatever I'd done to upset her.  Thinking through all my actions and how I might have been at fault.  Was I being passive aggressive?  How had I come across as aggressive?  Ok so my response to her initial "you could have said excuse me" might have been weird or aggressive ?? but after that I was really trying to be neutral and apologize and not engage, so it was awful to hear I'd been rude.  And aggressive.

A TINY part of my brain went "you know you're not an aggressive person right?" and I texted Jason who is a far more aggressive (like actually) person than me and he said "who did you punch?" and the tiny voice in my brain went "see?  not aggressive."  But still, I was hurt.  So hurt.

All I wanted to do was quit.  I'm not sure what... work maybe?  But C-Dawg called and I tried to tell her what happened and that I knew I was over-reacting to the situation because I knew I was, but still couldn't stop the hurt and upset.  I felt devastated.  I kept playing it over and over in my head and always put myself as the person in the wrong.  I could have gone around.  I could have ignored her complaint and walked away.  I could have just apologized and left.  All the things I could have done and didn't because I'm "awful" and clearly this person had pegged me... "weird and rude and aggressive" and needing to "go home and regroup" because "she'd had a bad day too."

Sigh.

I didn't really get to vent out the feelings.  I talked to C-Dawg about it but tried to play it cool and like I was ok (spoiler, I wasn't).  Later, I talked to Jason and he just got protective and told me to let it go and forget about it and I wasn't at that point so it didn't help.

It kept popping back into my head.  And ironically, I have no idea what this woman looks like, she was also wearing a mask... but in my head I saw her dark jacket, dark hair, dark mask, and heard her scorn and anger.  But she didn't even seem like one of those "crazy angry" people, just a normal middle aged woman speaking up against the awful ... me.

I worked to distract myself and think about other things and to lessen the story of it all.  I don't want to let this situation become a thing, and I don't want to let it trigger a massive anxiety situation with that store and all the negative that could spin out from it.

I've had conversations in my head where I DID get aggressive with her or did try to talk to her about why she was upset or the fact that about four of us had to maneuver around her in the aisle and maybe she needed more space awareness and that the fact I didn't say "excuse me" is probably slightly impolite but that her reaction and, well, outburst was unreasonable.  I mean honestly, the amount of times I've wanted to ask/tell someone to step out of my personal space in lines recently?  But I don't.  I just suck it up and shut up, so I know that's a choice someone can make.  And I mean I know we're all still on edge with the pandemic and life and maybe she's got her own issues going on (don't we all) and who knows how her day was but yeah... if I'm being generous to her, I can't even really say this was a 50-50 thing.  I didn't say "excuse me" as I made my way around her in a tight situation - my bad.  (meh)  She had a verbal reaction to that.  I reacted in a way that I suppose was unexpected - meh... my ... bad?  So I'm at two "bads" now... relatively speaking... if I give her the benefit of me being in some kind of wrong (which... not sure I was, let's be honest) she then kept talking loudly at me about it.  (because it wasn't yelling, but it was directed at me, loudly, and firmly and not... well, not kindly)  At that point I tried to disengage and retreat, but this did not happen.  That's not so much on me.  Often, when we're in a reasonable head space and we tell someone off and they apologize, we take the apology and move on.  She... didn't.  I'm telling myself this is a her thing not a me thing.

I have that "Four Agreements" quote on my fridge... "don't take anything personally.  Nothing others do is because of you.  What others say and do is a projection of their own reality."  BUT DAMN that's hard to do/remember sometimes.  Like yesterday for me.  I took it all personally.  

I wish I'd been able to brush it off.  Jason wishes I'd been able to tell her to fuck off and flip her the bird.  (That's a Jason thing, not so much a me thing.)  I know I could tell the story to all the people.  Call my family, tell my co-workers, etc etc... perpetuate my version of the story.  I feel like this woman will have talked about her version of "me" to a lot of people today.  "This rude and aggressive woman in the store"... which... honestly, may she never encounter someone actually rude and aggressive.  I... was not.  With the one initial response I'm still not sure about so maybe that was passive aggressive, which... is rude.. ok... but after that?  Nope.  I've said the rude things in my head to her now... but I didn't at the time.  That was her interpreting through her "lens".

I mean damn, when I first saw her in the aisle I wanted to say something about her being the Easter Bunny but I didn't cuz I never know someone's situation so I just slid by her and then boom.  So for me, if anything I was in "overly friendly mode" and so the whole thing going how it did really went extra badly for my psyche.

I was done done when I got home.  Like "exercised" while talking on the phone and then had a bath and put on my PJs.  I was fairly badly upset for a while.  I kept thinking how I bet this woman had no idea she had me sobbing and that her letting out her frustration was the straw that broke this camel's back.  Or if she did want that?  To really upset me?  Well then she's not a very nice person and projection much?

Anyway... I think the fact that I was only knocked out by this for a few hours is a good thing.  I think a few years back this would have been devastating and for quite a while and I would have wanted to go over it and over it and would have beaten myself up about it and then had to talk to my counsellor about it.

I probably still will talk to my counsellor about it because it was such a big, heavy reaction from me it obviously pushed some big buttons and because I'd like to not have such strong reactions in some similar situation in the future.

But yeah, it was awful for a while but I guess I'm saying I can see the progress.

And the flip side to this whole story might be me saying  "omg you guys this crazy woman yelled at me in the store and wouldn't drop it when I said sorry and like holy crap she was insane over nothing!  She was blocking the whole aisle and then got mad at me when I DARED to squeeze by her without asking permission when really she should have fucking moved LOL!"  But... baby steps.  I don't need to tell a narrow version of what happened, that would make me similar to her.  I just would wish I'd be able to shrug it off, not take it personally and move on with my day and forget about it in minutes.

I might have been a little rude.  (Maybe?  Like 2%?)   I was not intending to be aggressive, but people can misinterpret intentions so maybe that's what she saw or felt, I can't control that.  Was I weird?  Meh, sure... don't really care about that... we're all weird when you drill down into it.  But I was trying to apologize and move on, I was.  And I left in tears and feeling horrible about myself.  So it's not as if I "won" here.  

A part of me is hurt and sad and devastated and wanting to give up and never exist anymore (outside) and I want that part to know it's loved but I also don't want to dwell on it.  I'm a generally nice person.  I care.  I try.  I prefer to help make people happy.  I literally have like an extra broken people pleaser part of me who tries way too hard and who is so hurt she's not liked by the entire world.  (And lacks logic, clearly... ahem)

To wrap things up here lest I babble on and on... Jason came by that afternoon and I had him drive me to a different store that I knew had creme eggs in stock and then I ate a whole lot of them and got a headache and I still have bad feelings about the lady and the event and what I might have done "wrong" and I'm upset about those feelings but I have eggs in the cupboard and I'm going to try to stop thinking about what happened and I wish people took more time to consider how their (over) reactions could be affecting people.  Because had this happened a couple of years ago I would not be ok in ways I don't think that woman could understand or realize.  

Sigh.  Letting it go.... letting it go.... Working towards letting it go.

 

 

One more thing though....

Years ago I had a counsellor tell me "you can't actually make anyone feel anything (unless you physically punch them, etc.)"  Oh I argued with her "I could tell you you looked awful in that sweater" "yes, and I'd wonder why you were having such a bad day." Etc.  Etc.

So the idea is in my head that WE don't MAKE anyone feel anything... they make that choice.  It's a hard one but true.  I could have told her she was a giant bleeping bleep and to get her fat bleeping ass out of my way and she could have laughed it off, or punched me, or ignored me, or called the police on me... her reaction, her feelings about my behaviour is her choice.  Most of us don't see it that way we put the blame on others "you hurt my feelings"... but the deep truth of the matter is that this situation was due to whatever's going on for her that made her so upset about how I moved near her that she had to turn, face me, and (honestly) aggressively tell me off.  That was her choice.  Yes, I had the choice of how I reacted and I know I'm not at my best so my thinking brain was not with me and I chose a less neutral reaction but I didn't make her feel anything.  I didn't touch her.  I wasn't standing in her space.  *I* didn't make her behave how she did.  And I need to own and remember that.