Existential

God, I don't know how to exist.

Wait, says the reader, you are existing right now, how else did you write this, hello?

Well, yes, yes, I know I am currently a living, breathing human being who exists (without getting caught up in the meaning of existence or the possibilities what we think of as our existence is actually something else....) but I mean I don't know how to really fully be ME.

I'm probably watching too many "docu" series/movies, where a film maker presents a human's existence.  So I'm probably seeing people being more "real" and "put together" than they actually are as someone is guiding that story telling but still... I don't know how to be.

Like who am I?  What do I want?  Feel?  Think?  Stand for?  And how can I be this old and so bad at knowing this?

I've been really thrown off this week (last week, really) by the news out of the States about Roe vs Wade (abortion rights).  And this may or may not be related to my existential angst because I said to my counsellor that I feel so incredibly helpless and therefore useless against the intense hurt and pain and fear and anger and upset I feel.  And maybe that's part of my loss and questioning and wondering.  What label do I put on myself?  Or would others put on me?

I don't want the one that comes from my job, I mean beyond that.  What am I really?

And how do I know?  Or find out?  And what all does that mean?

How do I be more fully myself when I don't know what "myself" really means?

I can't fully express this.  I just feel like I don't know how to do this.  "This" being... being.

I dunno man.  But hey, at least my hair is washed, right?