My Own Version

I often scratch my head at the "version" of depression I often see as it feels foreign to me - the person unable to leave their bed, or the person unable to deal with garbage, dishes, laundry, etc.  But for me, I'm feeling like I'm dealing with my own version of this and it's not... easy.

My hair needs washed.

I mean, it's not the end of the world, I could probably leave the house and just put it up in a bun or carefully brush it but in general, my hair needs washed.  And I really should do this before work tomorrow even though I'll likely end up putting it up anyway... I just... my hair needs washed.

But as I sit here, doing that feels like a lot.  A LOT.  I feel drained by the knowledge that I have to get off my couch, go to the bathroom, undress, turn on the shower, get in, wet my hair,  put in shampoo, wash it out, put in conditioner, comb that through, wash it out, make sure everything is rinsed out, turn off the shower, dry myself, wrap the towel around my hair, then put clothes back on, then after a while take the towel off and comb out my hair, then make sure the wet hair doesn't get my couch too damp (and cause mold), and then I guess wait for it to dry and think about blowing it dry but right now the idea of having to do all this feels like too much when I just want to sit here on my couch and not.  

I will... eventually, sooner rather than later most likely, get around to washing my hair and it won't feel as onerous to do as it feels to think about but there's also the fact that "I need to wash my hair" as a thought and a "pressure" sits at the back of my head and has for a few days (I probably should have washed it a few days ago which means every day the thought "I should wash my hair" has been around).

So when you apply this internal heaviness and pressure to more than just washing hair... it all can feel like too much and I can very much see why some folks don't make it out of bed or don't manage to clean up, or mow that lawn, or go for that walk.  

Brains that are a little bit funky are really really hard to deal with.

I think I'll go "make myself" wash my hair now.