It was Tuesday of last week when I was pulled into the head spy's office and told [thing that was upsetting and felt really unfair].
It was Tuesday of last week *before* my work day actually started.
I was in some combination of shock and actual tears of hurt and sadness and fear and I had about five minutes to pull myself together before I had to work. In front of people. Without crying. With eyes hopefully not red from the tears. With a brain that had suddenly left the building.
I looked at my notes for the day... "super difficult spy work involving extreme concentration and coordination" Well... that wasn't going to happen, was it?
Because I don't honestly know how it works for anyone else but for me once my system is "set off", I lose ability.
Really. I lose functional ability.
It's like the difference between playing a video game on Easy or Beginner mode and then flipping it mid game to Difficult or Nighmare.
Things on the outside may be technically the same as they were the day or the hour before, but suddenly functioning is THAT much harder.
I got through my Tuesday. I'm not sure how.
I even got myself safely home.
And when I got home I realized I'd dropped a bunch of balls. Like leaving my water bottle at work. Not a big deal right? Right. Except I have never ever done that before. And I have no idea what else I might have missed. Did I screw up anything badly? Don't know.
And so I got home Tuesday and started telling people. Jason, C-Dawg, etc. And then I started checking with people who might know more than I do... is this ok? How has this happened? Is there any recourse for me? Can we make this not happen? WHAT? WHY? HELP OMG HELP! (I didn't scream the last part at anyone but I sure wanted to.)
Wednesday was similarly "out of it". Fortunately I had counselling after work and I said to him "I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and I know I'm dropping balls, I just am hoping they're not big or important balls."
I wrote sticky notes. "Get groceries - milk and eggs" "Return book to library - by Friday" "Pick up [item] from [person]."
I write sticky notes on better days and weeks but usually not with the desperation I wrote them last week. Because I had no idea how long my brain would be in this mode where everything became so so SO much harder. And I really really didn't want to screw up anything or forget anything or lose anything.
A week later, and I don't remember much about those days. I haven't been arrested or told anybody hates me so I must not have screwed anything up too badly. Counselling on Wednesday helped. Jason had me over Wed, Thurs, and Saturday for dinner, so being fed and in a comforting place helped normalize my system for sure.
I let myself do "nothing" on Thursday (a day I don't have to work) and the whole day felt weird. I had mostly accepted that this is a thing that is going to happen and I couldn't change it so it just... is. And I still had all sorts of upset feelings about it.
I ate a lot of junk food. I was nauseated all night. (Oops)
On Friday, I took the sticky notes off of my counter and hammered out those missing/missed errands and got them off my plate. That helped. But I wasn't able to do it the days before. The difficulty level had been too high.
Let me tell you it's a weird sensation. To know that you functioned yesterday but can't in the same way today. And that the only reason for this... the only thing that changed was stress. That's weird.
I can't speak to tomorrow or next week or whenever this all falls out (sounds like maybe Summer?) but I'm in a more ok space right now. Back to maybe not Easy Mode but not in Nightmare Mode. Like maybe Medium? or Hard Mode? But I'm also not pushing myself. Things can wait (if not important). Sticky notes can be written.
I'm glad I was able to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if things got dropped, because life doesn't stop just because you need it to.
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