Really?

A week ago today I was informed that 

[and here I had written a whole long post about something that happened at work that was upsetting and that I was taking personally and how I had no choice but to deal with it.  But yesterday afternoon I got a call walking back the thing that happened and now I'm just confused but no matter... I'm deleting the post since I REALLY do try not to talk about work for many reasons... although I'll save it as a draft... Tomorrow's post is about the fallout I had from the anxiety from the situation.... and just to clarify, it wasn't anything "bad", it was just stuff about someone deciding to take my position and me being forced to move locations but now they've changed their mind so I've had a week of intense stress and upset for "nothing" and here's now the now deleted post ended]

Maybe I shouldn't have written about this, I don't know.  (I decided not to.... since it's "un... done")

 

 

Actually, you know what?  If that person can change their mind, so can I... here's the post after all:

I don't really like to talk about work.  But last week, I was told that someone with more seniority/experience wanted my position and so I was going to be moved.

I am devastated.

It has been hard over the last year and a half to adjust to being back at work at all.  Never mind that they put me in a new location where I knew no one and into a new to me position that I had to learn.  It has been SO incredibly difficult.  I have barely coped.  It has not been ok.  Or easy.  And no, I haven't been particularly happy although I have tried.  It has sucked.

And now I have to do it all over again.

I have been through all of the not so good feelings and emotions about this.  Anger.  Sadness.  Fear.  Anxiety.  Devastation.  Hurt.  

It makes me feel very unwanted and unvalued although I've been assured it's "nothing personal"... the fact that the individual "taking" my job didn't speak to me about it themselves sure makes it feel personal.

I mean I can "get" it... like I can get why they feel they "need" to do this... I just wish they'd spoken to me about it or given me a heads up.  It still would have hurt but... anyway... don't talk about work.

I spent two days trying to function while dealing with the shock.  I tried to find any way around it... but as I was trying I really started to feel like "why am I fighting to stay somewhere where I don't feel wanted and no one else seems to be fighting for me?"  (And by "no one else" I mean the people with the power to potentially fight...)

I don't know where they'll put me, and apparently I'll be "allowed" to finish up what I'm working on right now before they move me and to be quite honest?  I am fighting the urge to drop everything and burn the place down.  Metaphorically speaking.

But no, this isn't something I've encountered before and I feel extra shat on that I'm expected to keep working hard knowing that I'm... what... expendable?  (That's maybe not fair but it feels that way... hey keep doing really hard work and then when you're done,  go away!)

I don't know.  I'm hurt and terrified and those are bad combos.  And it sucks to have to keep on keeping on with this knowledge hovering over me.

You know I don't talk about work, but this has impacted my day to day and my health and I'm really really upset.  Which I think most people would be.

I keep seeing that viral video of the dude who gets slapped going "how can she slap?" like I have that feeling of "how is this a thing that is allowed and how did it happen to me?" and then singing a line from a song from a tv show "turn around and look me in the eye" because the person "removing" me from my position did not look me in the eye.  Did not talk to me.  I approached them and asked directly.  They looked at the floor as they answered that yes they are going to take my job/position.  I get that it maybe feels uncomfortable for them, but did they know this for a while?  (I've been told this isn't a new thing.... likely in the works for a while.... back room conversations and all that.)  Above all else, this was handled poorly.  

I have all sorts of feelings about this and right now none of them are good.