The Family Sulidae

I was born with/inherited genes that meant that when I hit puberty and my body shape changed, I got breasts that were larger than proportionally expected for my body size and shape.  

I was that age at a time when *I* didn't want breasts (the ballet world is flat chest friendly) and the world decided they were less than ideal (think Kate Moss and the heroin chic waif look).

At the other end of that spectrum was women like Dolly Parton - often known solely for the ample-ness of her bosom and often mocked and made fun of for.  (Think about it, if you want to dress up as Dolly Parton all you need to do is stuff your bra ridiculously large and put on a higher-to-heaven blonde wig and people will figure it out - oh yeah, that big titted country singer lol.)  (Now this is ignoring the wonderful, generous, kind, talented person Dolly is by all accounts.... she is "most" known for her figure.)

So I grew up not wanting the size (due to ballet/dance and other reasons) and not wanting the mocking I saw Ms Parton get, and not wanting the attention or notice from those who might... mock or.... assume... or... anything.  I suppose I was also sexually shy and not looking for that kind of attention.  Even before I really developed, I was a t-shirt in the swimming pool (on school trips) kind of gal.  Most of us were, really... body shame comes early to many.  Puberty is weird.

(I'm certain I've talked about it before here but I am letting go of fear of repeating myself here... or at least I'm attempting to.... but anyway...)

My breasts, as I've aged and put on weight (I realized the other day that I'm about 40 lbs heavier than I was when I got my driver's license at 16, which all things considered could be a lot more, but it's still... you know, it'd be nice to have enjoyed the weight I was when I was it...) have gotten larger and larger.  My frame (chest) has not and so my band size is the same while the cup size has gotten larger and larger over the years.  I haven't been able to shop for my size in a 'regular' store in decades.  I'm too small around and large in the cup for normal brands.  (The smaller the band number size - like 36 or 42 or whatever, the smaller the person's chest/torso.  The larger the cup size, like B or D or whatever, the fuller/larger/fatter the person's breast.  Most "store" brands are medium band and small to medium cup.  I'm small band and LARGE cup.  Not average.)

Last time I went to get bras, I got myself remeasured.  I had ordered my "same size" online and when they arrived, there was too much fat hanging out of places it shouldn't have hung and so I sent them back and went in to get measured.  Turns out, due mainly (I believe) to the weight of the breasts pulling at the skin (and yes, causing sagging....sigh.) I've gone up in size... kind of.  But not really.  (Bra fittings are stupid... sizes aren't really all that standard and bra shapes change a great deal and it all makes a difference.  So like pants and shirts you can be one size in one label/brand and something slightly different in another... it's weird and frustrating.)

When I was chatting with the lady about how I wish I had been told/warned/taught that my body would change ALLLLLLLL throughout my life, she mentioned that she's seen a lot of women of my stature who went for a breast reduction and she sort of recommended I look into it.  It was a little odd, but not as odd as it might sound without the context of our entire conversation.

But, breast reduction surgery is something I have looked into over the years.  I was in my first year of University (so, what is that 17?  18?) and there was a gal I vaguely knew who was shorter than I was (more petite) but also had very large breasts for her size.  She was getting a reduction.  So that's when I first heard about the procedure and researched it.  I don't remember seeing her or talking to her post surgery (I'd imagine she got it done over break and I maybe never ran into her again) but I do remember when I looked into it, at the time my two biggest concerns were that it might negatively impact breast feeding (which I wanted to be able to do if I had children) and I felt like the resulting scar from the surgery would turn off any future boyfriends or guys or partners.  (Shallow thinking perhaps, but hey, I was young, you know?)  So at that time, I decided against it.

But I never learned to like them.  My breasts.

To be honest, I still struggle to like my body in general, so it's probably only fair to say I still haven't learned to like much of.... me.  (Which is sad, and terrifying as I age and things do the opposite of improve.)

I was watching a movie this weekend where one of the female characters wore a kind of see through tank top and no bra and she was small chested and all I could think was how great she looked and how sexy and attractive and I guess I bought into that whole "hate what you have" thing that has been sold to and at us for so so long.  I want what I don't have.  Hello beauty industry, did I get that right?  Thanks.

Yesterday I was talking to Jason about this movie and how I saw this woman and wished I could just... not wear a bra.  But that I've never been able to do that and especially now, with things stretching with age and weight, I absolutely can't.  He said something about guys who like large breasts know that the sagging and the pulling is part of it.  This is not reassuring to me.  Or appealing.  

Jason, by the way, doesn't seem to know that he and his friends are part of my current insecurity.  He regularly tells me about male friends of his who can't remember my name but do remember the size of my breasts.  Oh, you mean your friend with... with... the large tits?  

Yeah, can I tell you how much I passionately and intensely hate that that's a stand out feature that some people remember me by?  ESPECIALLY WHEN I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO NOT SHOW THEM OFF????  Fuck.

Anyway, I was chatting to Jason about this movie and he brought up the idea of a breast reduction.  I got upset.  He told me he's known so many women who have done it and it's changed their lives and they're so much happier.  He told me maybe it would make me love my body more.  I told him that I had known about it for decades and thought about it and that my decision has always been a no.  He kept suggesting I at least talk to someone about it.  I explained, again, that I don't think elective surgery is a good idea and also that this is the body I was given, I don't see the point in changing it.

When I was brushing my teeth last night I was topless (it's hot at night y'all!) and as I stood in front of the mirror I looked at my not perky, not small, not well proportioned or pretty breasts and I started to cry.

This is my body.  These are my breasts.  I don't want to cut them and change them.  That feels like cheating.  The fact that I would be considering changing my breasts JUST because I don't like them or like how I look?  That doesn't feel ok.

Sure, I could probably reduce some physical pain and discomfort if they were smaller and lighter, and I know for a lot of women that's the *why* for the surgery... back pain and the like.  I would LOVE love love to have a different relationship with bras.  To not have them dig in to my ribs or leave deep red welts on my shoulders.  I can't honestly tell you if I do or don't have physical pain from the weight of my breasts because I was in a stupid car accident years ago and my neck has never been the same since.  I can't prove that any upper body pain or discomfort is from heavy breasts.  I know how much I hate wearing bras, but they can be taken off.  And probably I could find some that were gentler on me, I don't know.  I just... Jason (and likely others) assume I have back and neck pain from my breasts, I don't know that I do.

I also, in my more recent research understand that there is likely an age at which the surgery is no longer a viable option.  And that the weight of my breasts is probably possibly maybe going to be a cause of pain in my much later years, but again... I don't know.  And I'm fairly certain if I go and talk to a specialist about some of this they will most certainly tell me that they will and they are and I doubt a surgeon would talk me *out* of it, you know?

But yeah... I felt so sad that I would consider taking away some of my breasts just because I don't like them.  And that maybe I should start by working really hard at liking them before I consider permanently changing them.

Losing weight would help.... and I'm trying... but only kind of... sometimes.  (Don't ask me how many creme eggs I've consumed this last while... or how much intense cardio I've done of late... neither answer suggests I'm working all that hard at shaping up my body.)

And the conversation with Jason was initially around how I dress.  Because I feel like with large breasts you either show them off (a la Dolly/Elvira/what's her name from Modern Family, etc) or you do what I do and attempt (badly) to hide them.  Which means when I see myself in a store window in passing I see a frumpy looking "fat" person since my clothes are the opposite of fitted and that just makes one look large.

So I hate how I look and I hate how I dress and I hate how I present myself and I feel like Jason suggesting breast reduction is an over simplified answer.  And it stresses me out and apparently hurts me.

I'm not saying I have an answer right now, I just don't think I want to put myself and my body through a surgery, and especially for something that I could actually deal with in other ways... weight reduction.... change of undergarments, change of style of clothes, change in self love, change in how I look at other "curvy" women and ladies like Dolly.  I'm part of the problem, I know.

But I'm not sure I'm going to start spending therapy sessions on my breasts, but self love and not disliking myself and my looks is definitely on the agenda.  

Plus to half borrow a joke from Tig Notaro... I've always worried that my breasts would overhear me speaking/thinking poorly of me and decide to get on out of here (Tig had a double mastectomy in her fight against breast cancer.)  (Honestly, I've always had a worry that the amount of dislike I have for my breasts might result in an illness I do not want to encounter... so I do try to be kind to them and about them... just this scene in this movie poked some buttons at a time when I'm already low and struggling.)

So, yeah.  I have large breasts.  I have not liked them.  I would like to try to.  But I'm also really really not sure how to dress for them.  I don't like the boxy-hiding look, but I also don't want to have them on display or put them in sequins or, you know, be like LOOK AT THESE HERE BOOBS!  I... don't know.  (Plus boxy things are pretty damn comfortable... I just don't like how I look and then how I feel about how I look.)