Well Meant

I speak only for myself here.

I see posts fairly often along the lines of "if you need to reach out please do I'm always here" and I truly hope that those posts help someone.

They have not, in the past, helped me.

When I have been at my lowest of points, what I did not want to do was to have to call someone and try to explain where I'm at and what was going on.

And I never felt like calling a help line would be helpful either.  

But the idea, even now, when I'm generally ok, of reaching out to a stranger or someone I don't know all that well, or anyone other than maybe Jason or a counsellor or maybe a sibling or C-Dawg.... I just... it's not something I feel like I could do.

Even for things not mental health related... like Jason and I have our ups and downs and when I'm upset with him or anything sort of negative about him (or he and I) I feel like I don't have anyone (but him) to talk to about it.  It's complicated.  It's complex.  No, we're not together but we are but not?  And when I want to vent about how AWFUL HE IS BEING RIGHT NOW FOR THESE REASONS I am pretty sure I know what the response from someone outside of the two of us will be and so I don't reach out.  I crawl through the dark thoughts on my own, or until Jason and I can talk things out, which we always seem to do.  But maybe that's just a me thing.

Maybe talking to people more would help more.

I certainly reached out to a few people when the scary job thing was happening... people I knew from the industry or who I knew where struggling with their own job things.  Reaching out in that case felt, I dunno, low risk, high potential for support?  Reaching out about job things isn't the same as interpersonal things or mental emotional health things, it's... safe?

But I can't imagine reaching out to any of these kind, thoughtful, well meaning people who post that they're always there if anyone needs to talk. 

Maybe that's something I should look at and think about.