Perfection-Isn't

I struggle with perfectionism.  

I won't get into it here and will oversimplify by saying that for me, it shows up as "If I can't do it really really well (aka perfectly) I won't do it at all" and "everything I do sucks" and other really unhelpful things that stop me from existing in ways I'd like to.

I can't say when this started or when it started to really manifest as an issue/problem but it's one of the reasons I started avoiding New Year's Resolutions a number of years ago.

My issue with myself and resolutions is the all or nothing factor.  I will do X, Y or Z EVERY DAY or ELSE and then, well, you just usually at some point end up missing a day and then it's ALL over and you may as well GIVE UP ENTIRELY.

Now that's not to say there aren't things I've set myself out as "do every day" things and I don't mean the self care/cleaning type ones that are more habits than anything, I mean like "get at least 20 minutes of exercise every day even if it's "just" walking around the apartment or walking on the spot in the kitchen".  I've been doing that for years and a couple of years ago (?) bumped it up to 40 minutes a day minimum.  I also step right outside of my apartment every day - maybe just to take out trash or recycling, but that's another every day thing I had myself do.  But I've learned not to set myself goals that will hamper me.  Like I try to get to the gym once a week (rather than every day).  But I also give myself grace.  Like when I was sick I didn't go to the gym so as not to potentially infect anyone.  So even just existing a way I'd like to is hard for me without having to add the pressure of I AM GOING TO DO THIS EVERY DAY STARTING ON JANUARY FIRST OR ELSE I SUCK!

So I set intentions for the year or I think about how I'd like to change in the year, what I'd like to focus on.  Like this year I have the intention of making things more about me as I head towards my next decade and that "middle age" marker of 50.

Not "become totally selfish and self centred" about me, but worrying less about others kind of way (honestly, even worrying less about Jason).  Putting my wants, needs and desires at the forefront instead of people pleasing guessing at what everyone else might want.  Spending the year pushing myself to see what *I* want, what pleases me, and being ok with the idea of making others unhappy or upset.  (Which happens anyway so why not make myself happier in the process.)

It was hard dealing with being sick although it did focus my energy on me and getting better, I wasn't much able to do anything other than try to get better and rest, so I'm reminding myself that for this year of twenty twenty four I want to continue to make positive changes for myself and my life and to set myself up for healthy patterns and habits and to try to focus more on me than on others but like in a way that makes sense for me and doesn't translate well as I'm typing it out.  

All this to say... New Years' Resolutions can be absolutely triggering for folks and most are still dealing with the holidays and difficult times and so trying to reach a newly set goal all damn day is really not that helpful.  In my view anyway.