Welcome To March, Eh? (Post Unrelated to Title!)

I was watching a show the other day and thinking about how doing so really impacts my mental well being.

I watch a LOT of shows.  It's a coping thing for me.  I can "get away" from things I want to avoid feeling (usually) or that are stressing me out or I can relax or zone out or all manner of things.  It also keeps me awake as I've found that when I try to read a book during the day it'll often turn into me feeling really really sleepy and wanting to nap.  

But I don't *just* watch a show.  I watch a show while also playing on my phone and from time to time stopping (pausing) the show to check social media sites on my laptop.  I'm multi-tasking and have totally destroyed my attention span (or so it feels.)

So so much of my life this last chunk of years has been doing the same thing, which when I think too much on it feels like a waste of a life (and then I spin out anxiety wise about that.) which is not great, but the thing I was thinking about the other day was how immersing myself in these shows is making me feel worse about myself.

Because I'm watching shows thinking how interesting these people are.  Or how brave, or talented, or whatever.  And I think my simple brain (the simple part of my brain, I'm not calling myself simple!) thinks that this is how *I* should be/act/behave/talk/think/love.

But... but, you guys?  They're written.  They're scripts.  They're characters who have been MADE to be interesting/smart/cool/whatever.  And even a "reality" type show is edited and they're made to come across a certain way.  I found myself thinking I wish I could see a show of myself to see how people would interpret me.  You know how if you ever watch a "reality" type show you think certain things about the person?  Like I was watching a home building show and thinking how the couple are really great together and they "fight" so well and then I was like "who knows how they fight when the cameras aren't there."  Maybe the show shows full total reality but maybe it doesn't.  So even "reality" tv (yes, I keep putting it in brackets for a reason!) isn't right.  Like there's a show I watch where the participants are alone (it's uh... literally called Alone ha!) and so they film themselves basically all day every day for as long as they're out there.  Jason got me a book by someone who'd been on the show (it was a great book) and she talked about how the filming would sometimes hold her back from what she needed to do but the point is not about the filming it's about the fact that on the show they'll show you months of time (well weeks and weeks anyway) in an hour a week for like 10 weeks.  That's HOURS of footage that they chunk down and down and down and show you moments at a time.  Curated moments.  Moments that lead you to feel a certain way about someone.  So even that show that is filmed by each individual, what is shown is carefully chosen.  Reading the book really pointed that out as I re-watched the season this lady was on and saw SO little of what she actually talked about in the book, it was fascinating.

So I was thinking about how I watch these shows, some good, some great, some reality and some guilty pleasure and I feel crappy about myself due to subconsciously comparing myself and my life and my relationships and choices and thoughts to those lives I see on my laptop screen.  Those NOT REAL lives.

I know people talk about "don't compare yourself to people on social media" "those are highlights, not real life" but I know I do.  And now I'm thinking about the fact that I do that with tv shows too.  Those people are interesting because someone made them be interesting.  Those people have wonderful lives because they are either in a tv show that someone wrote or they are being scripted to do things to get filmed.  Even docu-style series are edited.  

And let's be honest, if I did somehow manage to watch a show about myself and they edited me kindly (aka didn't show the hours of doing not much at all on my couch) I'd probably just rip apart how I looked or sounded or moved anyway cuz UGH I am like that and I know it.  

And really, I have no idea how others perceive me anyway.  And double plus - some characters or people I really like others do not so it's all just WHATEVER anyway, you know?