Change Is Not My Favourite Thing

The gym that I go to, and have gone to on and off for AGES is moving.

I knew this.  They let us know pre Covid lockdowns and then I didn't go to the gym for years due to Covid health anxiety fears and then I pushed myself to go back and then they went public with the "we're moving" thing and I lost it.

Like Jason forwarded me the press release and I had a panic attack.

Such is the (not) joy of an anxiety disorder.  Something you can not control, that may or may not be that big of a deal, that may or may not happen "soon" and something that you already knew about can throw you (me) into a panic attack.  Which then throws off an entire day and impacts stuff for longer than that one day.

Like, I am honestly thinking this situation may have something to do with me not really going to the gym for the last few weeks.

Now this gym has promised they won't go "far" but it is SO perfectly convenient for me where it is right now.  Yes there are other gyms I could attend within this same area but this is the one that works for me or has for a long while.  And I'm not comfortable with walking in all of the areas of downtown that it might relocate to and I don't want to have to start driving to a gym.

But all of these worries and concerns don't matter right this second.  Right now the gym is still there and still open and I'm still paying my membership fees and I'm struggling to get myself to go.  And I'm trying not to beat myself up for "not going".  For breaking my "I go every week, that means I'm breaking even financially speaking" (vs a day pass... it makes mathematical sense in my head) pact with myself.  

Small things become huge with an anxiety disorder.  And when that panic hits, there's not much thinking I can do (yet) to work my way through it.

I'm calmer now (although still struggling to get to the gym) and can point out to myself that maybe it'll be fine.  It's hard though as I can't wrap my head around where they'll go or how they'll rebuild a gym or how they'll get parking and then I spin out on all the not knowing even though I'M NOT IN CHARGE OF FIGURING IT OUT AND IT'S NOT IN MY WHEELHOUSE ANYWAY.

But change can be really hard for me.  Even upcoming change.  Or maybe especially upcoming change.  With all the unknowns and un...clarity.

I suppose "you don't know what you've got til it's gone" sort of applies, even though nothing's gone quite yet.