F*ck

I woke up this morning (it's Sunday morning just after 8:30am) and immediately started having a panic attack.  As you might guess, this sucks.  A lot.

I had gone to bed rather anxious, honestly mostly about the fact that it was Saturday night which meant I was going to wake up and only have one more day off before I had to go to work and yeah it seems like that's the panic I'm dealing with this morning - I have to work.

I'm here, because I'm trying something different this time.  This panic attack.  Usually I go straight to taking something to get the anxious feelings under control and managed (it's what I've been told to do, to get that "help" in my system rather than trying to fight it and it lasting longer) but it's been a high anxiety week and honestly those helper meds haven't done much, so I didn't want to start my morning with them and have them not work and then not know what to do.  So I finished my morning stretches (I dont' think I've mentioned them here yet, will make a note to do so) and then sat down and did a "panic SOS" meditation from my meditation/mindfulness app, and now I'm here writing.  To see if that somehow helps in any way.

Ironically, I also took my blood pressure, which I've been asked to monitor (I also haven't mentioned that, I know) and it was great.  Like GREAT.  Maybe a fluke or maybe the five minute meditation?  I really thought it would be wild and elevated seeing as how my system is in freak out mode and it feels like my heart is racing etc etc (my heart rate was a little bit elevated but not much...)

Am I feeling calmer?  About an hour after the panic attack started, give or take?  Yeah, a little.  I discovered about half a year ago that these episodes seem to take about an hour to chill.  Which I don't always remember in the moment but it's been just under an hour now and I do feel calmer.  I did try to feel calmer too though.  But yeah, I'm still not calm.  Or great.  Or ok.  But now I think I'd say I'm really anxious rather than in a panic attack.  Will I take something later this morning?  Probably.  Will I go to the pool for an exercise class?  I'm genuinely not sure.  (It might help a bit or the process of it might feel like too much and panic me, so I'll see, I've got a couple of hours to decide/choose.)