A couple of years ago Jason got a job in his field of work (after a long time of being underemployed) in a location that unfortunately exposed him to a lot of trauma and hard stuff that got to him. He also went through an inordinate amount of personal loss and these things combined and sort of ganged up on him and his mental health got worse and worse until he and his doctor (mainly his doctor TBH) decided he wasn't able to continue on and pulled him from work.
(This is similar to what happened with me but for different (?) reasons in a different field of work.)
This whole situation was hard on our friendship because the friend I'd come to know, and more importantly RELY on for the last 8 or 9 years was no longer quite there. I mean sure in body, but in spirit, soul, energy and mind? No.
As hard as this was on him, this is my space and so my focus will be on how this was hard on me. (Sorry that that feels selfish... as my mother might say blogging and social media is inherently self centered... so... here we are.)
He and I talked quite openly and honestly about how his mental state would impact his ability to "be there" for me but he said he'd try and I said I understood and would try to lean less heavily on him and take more care of myself as best I could.
Things did not improve. He kept losing friends and loved ones. I kept trying to reduce the amount of support I asked for. But it's not as if I was magically feeling delightfully better.
There are no set dates but close to a year ago I started sort of pulling back for my own sake. Rather than us FOR SURE seeing each other on my Friday (my last day of work for my part time work right now) there would be weeks where I didn't feel like it so we'd adjust or not see each other that week at all. (Which means a change in my eating and feeding myself - not having a home cooked meal and leftovers from him at least once a week.)
In the last few months it feels like the state of the world has impacted him in some severely negative ways (I won't get into the why but there are reasons why) and he's been more and more negative to be around, which I can't handle very often.
For months now I've been unable to rely on him for much of anything. I don't have him to call and talk to when I"m struggling. This has been a huge change and loss for me. Huge. I can't overstate that.
And since the issue at the start of December, we haven't spent hardly any time together and only seem to talk when he's had a few drinks and needs to vent. And I've had to put up boundaries around that (that he sometimes ignores and I then have to reinforce) because I'm struggling myself and can't handle the venting and the way he vents as it sets me off and triggers huge anxiety for me.
So December was awful for us, or for me I guess.... and we had just started to sort of find a peace again and we hung out for a bit on Christmas day but then his friend ended his life and Jason has not been anywhere near ok since then. In sometimes frightening to me ways.
I've talked with counsellors about what's going on but it's not helping and often upsets me more than helps in any way. I know I can't *fix* him and that's a good thing and I'm not really even trying. I have tried to support him as I could, like making sure he's eating and I've popped in from time to time to say hi but not hang out and I'm doing my best to trust his health care team but I am S T R U G G L I N G with the change and the shift and the total loss of my friend that I've had and relied on (even if imperfect and hard at times) for more than ten years.
I don't know where things will land. I have worries. Large worries. A counsellor said it sounded like I felt my life feels like a "chinese finger trap" right now and I guess that's accurate. I really feel stuck. I can't comfortably completely pretend Jason doesn't exist right now. But having him in my life right now is pretty awful.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this as Jason is the person I've talked to about ALL the things for a long while now. I can't handle the sort of normal-world judgment I know most will have if I attempt to explain the ins and outs of things and I know that when I'm in a very bad spot and/or a panic that I just am desperate for help but then if I talk to someone at that time, once I calm down a bit I'll regret the things that I said and so I... don't. There isn't anyone to talk to about this. Not like I'd talk to Jason about it were he ok/himself.
I do have an online friend (through the Burning Man community) who has been very helpful and talked me down a good few times but man I feel bad about that and so don't want to be a burden but she assures me it's not and I'm not. But also I know I need to get through the anxiety and stress myself and to grow from this.... whatever this is.
I am also working at sort of... extracting my things and stuff that are wrapped up in Jason and his place (I have no storage at my place so some of my stuff is there and it stresses me greatly to think about dealing with that... as an example.)
I've never been married, but I'm imagining that this is how awful divorce must feel for people. You're losing your person. Your go to. And your lives are intertwined financially and physically and so there's so much loss and change and work there too.
I know I didn't lose someone the same way Jason did but I have absolutely lost here. This intense friendship isn't there anymore. I'm not sure it will recover. But even if it does I need to make changes so that I'm not this devastated by all the things he may or may not go through.
I don't know. I don't feel like I'm being clear. (And I've been interrupted by two phone calls while typing this so I keep losing my overall train of thought.)
TL;DR - I'm not ok and I don't have my friend around anymore who has helped me all the other times I've not been ok and it's really not ok and I"m struggling.
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