Attention Lack

I don't know how to talk about this so I'm just going to talk about it.

Last weekend, a female friend and I met for lunch at our favourite lunch place.  This friend has just started taking a medication for ADHD.  Something we have always half joked about, in part because she struggles to do nothing on days off, whereas I'm fine to just sit and zone out to shows all damn day (even if I don't love that I do that.)  

When the two of us are together it's a lot of pinging around conversationally.  We joke that we're both easily distracted OOH SQUIRREL! kind of thing.

But this time, *I* was the one pinging around.  She wasn't.  She was calm and focussed and still herself but.... more.... there?

It was almost a little lonely for me.  And as lunch went on, I started to really notice my focus.  Or lack thereof.  How often I interrupted myself.  How I constantly lost trains of thought.  And was distracted by the person next to us or this noise or that.  She wasn't.

We've always been very similar when we're together in terms of energy and being a little all over the place.  This time was a night and day difference and left me feeling a little bit concerned for my own lack of attention.

My friend spoke very highly of how calm and focussed she felt (not quite the words she used but close enough) and how much easier things were.  And many of the things she mentioned no longer being there for her I've always clocked in my brain and body as symptoms of anxiety.

So of course now I'm wondering.

I did some online tests and quizzes the next day.  Some of them came back with a "no, you're not ADHD"..... I don't have the hyperactive body stuff at all....*she says while considering the heavy depression that has grounded her body for a long time* and have no recollection of being told to sit still or talk less as a child and my grades were fine and just like no indication that this is something that has been an issue "all of my life" kind of thing. 

But other tests came back as indicating that yes I may have some ADHD.  Some pretty intense inattentiveness.  It makes me wonder how many things that I *can't* do aren't because I'm anxious or depressed but because my brain is like LALALALALALALALALALALAAAAA.  I don't know.

I'm clearly not an expert.  Nor do I want meds/drugs in my system unnecessarily and maybe I'm just thinking this because of the visible, noticeable change in my friend and the positive changes she's mentioned.

Might I talk to my counsellor about this next time?  Maybe?  Might I do seventeen more quizzes?  Maybe?  And fail half of them making me question everything.  Especially since my friend says when she does the quizzes they come back like "oh yeah, for SURE".

Maybe it's hormone changes.  Maybe it's anxiety.  Maybe it's a whole lot of other things.  

And maybe if I talk to my doctor she'll brush me right off, I don't know.

But this isn't something I've ever thought of for or about myself ever before, but going over the tests and some of the pointed questions I'm now kind of like. hmmmm.....

Or maybe I just ruined my own attention span with years of avoiding my thoughts by scrolling and watching and tuning out.  I don't know.

But this is probably why we have experts.  People who actually know things and can make more educated decisions than an online quiz.

I just don't know if I want to go there, and more than that, just because my friend is being helped by this, doesn't mean I'm the same.  I might just be how I am.... just because.